Future. Unforeseeable. Suffocating. Yet a bit exciting.
For me, the past months were comfortable and pleasant. There were no great challenges but enjoyably steady happiness, which I felt I had deserved. Then the changes came. I did not initiate them, nor welcome them. Anyhow, under given circumstances they give me power to make choices that may change my future, possibly big.
I was lifted up from the safe ground and now I am hanging in the air, waiting to drop somewhere. How much control and wisdom do I have to steer myself away from drowning water or sharp rocks, towards something bright, inspiring and loving?
I am not mentally present when I talk to my friends. I am not pushing to my limits at sports training. I am not resting when I am asleep. That damn future is preventing me from living in the present. I have given up to stress coming along with worst case scenarios about future. What if, either by choice or coincidence, I will suffer? I am so tired of thinking, yet unable to stop it.
I predict that when I drop and hit the ground, I will first have to climb over mountains without seeing what is behind them and swim across an ocean without knowing where it ends. Yet then, I will reach a special beautiful island, which will make the difficult trip worthwhile.
Things possessing true value must be achieved through hard work, dedication and belief. When following my path towards success and love, I must be prepared to take risks and make exclusive choices, living on them without regret. But what is THE path? Is it destined by some higher power and made accessible to those who dare to try? Or do we entirely by ourselves make our paths, shaped just by pure luck?
Now I am still in the air. I can see clearly down from where I was lifted up, and I can try to get a glance of where I might drop to. But what is up here, at this moment? It is fear, anxiety and tiredness. It could be positivity, sense of adventure and ambition. I could trust that the turbulence of the drop will land me right on my path, either easy or difficult. Preferably a long step further than where I am now.
I am at the edge of changing my life. Unlike usually, I am unable to psych myself away from change resistance. But then again, I claim that for me life is about experiencing different feelings. Stress is one of them, so I let it be. For now.
