Long ago learnt life lesson

"If there is something I really want, I try my hardest to get it. I do not give up until I either succeed or fail. Then, no matter what the outcome, there is no room for second doubting."

I made that decision in September 2002. It was a dark rainy night and I was crying my eyes off. I was cycling home from the ice rink, for the last time. My coaches had just told me that despite the good progress I had made during the past summer, I was not skilled enough to keep up with the rest of the team. I had been given two choices: to be an alternate or quit. I had chosen the later one.

I started skating at the age of 12, which is undeniably late to become any good at it. But from the very first practice on I loved it! There were no sufficient training facilities or coaching available in my little town, but I compensated it with enthusiasm. Many mornings before school I went to the ice rink to practice on my own. I was a huge fan of this junior synchronized team three hours drive from my town. I kept watching videos of their programs, thinking that my life would be perfect if I skated with them.

USA exchange student in 1999

I had a friend on that team and she encouraged me to ask for a try-out skate. I still remember that evening 15 years ago like it had been just yesterday. What a feeling it was being on the ice with those girls and joining them on some circles and blocks! At the end of the session the coach said I sure lacked technique and style, but I seemed talented enough to get a change. So I moved into the city; enrolled into a new high school and rented a room at this orderly lady's house.

At first everything went well. We were getting new programs and sharing spots to skate in them. I looked up to the other girls and was happy when they treated me nicely. But soon competition spots were announced and I was an alternate on both programs. At practices it was lonely and boring to always skate alone outside of the programs, and little by little I began losing my motivation. I got no attention from the coach, and a majority of the girls formed cool cliques leaving me and a few others outside.

I showed up at every practice but basically did nothing to train. I did not believe I could become as good as the other girls to earn a competition spot. I despised myself for being so pathetic and unsocial, but once I had fallen into the pattern of not trying I could not pull myself out of it. The season went by and I traveled to all competitions just to stand on the boards and watch the others to skate. I had never been as unhappy.

Nationals in 2002

At the beginning of the next season the team got new coaches and some quitted skaters got replaced by new ones. Somehow I stayed along, and similarly to the previous year I got to skate in the new programs as they were coreographed. It was a fresh beginning for me; I trained hard at all times and talked with the other girls. I felt like I finally belonged to the team and I enjoyed every moment of it. I even got to perform at a local hockey game!

When the season's first competition got closer, it was again time to announce competitors and alternates. Then I was told I could not make it; no matter how hard I would practice, the skill gap between me and the others would still remain too big. Swallowing tears I said goodbye to the team, them telling "It was a pleasure to see you train with such a great attitude change and improve so much. What a shame it was not enough in the end."

I failed reaching the biggest dream of my by-then lived life. I still cannot say whether I would have succeeded if from the beginning on I would have believed in myself to try my best. Now I think I would have improved enough to compete during the second season if I had trained properly during the first season. I will always keep doubting that one, but nevertheless I learned my most important life lesson.

Since that incident I have always fought full-on for what I want most (even though at times I do not really know what it is). Sometimes I have made mistakes, sometimes I have lost it all and sometimes I have gotten exactly what I wanted. Determination is one of the characters I nurture most and I aim to keep it up!

Successful come-back at junior B level in 2005!