I heard about vipassana meditation for the first time 3 years ago. Then
the whole concept – meditating for 10 days in silence – sounded
like madness to me. But this spring, when a friend spoke highly of
it, I got curious about the experience and how it might be helpful to
me. My ability to concentrate had diminished annoyingly and I felt
like I was struggling with something I quite could not name. I
decided to go for the challenge and registered to a meditation
retreat near Barcelona.
At
arrival to the Dhamma Neru centre we students handed in our personal
items, such as phones, books and music. We signed to respect the
noble silence, timetables, modest dress code and all other instructions. Women and men
were shown to separate residential areas, and we would only join to
meditate together. We went to sleep already in silence.
The
daily program
Every
day followed the same timetable.
4:00am
Wake-up. The mighty gong banged loudly to awaken us from lovely
sleep. I cursed in my mind and went straight to the shower.
4:30-6:30am
Meditation. During free meditation sessions we were allowed to
meditate either in the common hall or on our beds, but not outside. I
was only motivated to meditate in the hall, which was physically
hard. Each student had her/his own seat in the hall. It was a pile of
pillows and blankets on the floor without leaning opportunity.
Sitting in a cross-legged position for hours was hard on the back and
legs. Meditating on one's bed provided rest by leaning on a wall and
even laying down (that was restricted to 5 min periods to prevent
sleeping).
In
the beginning these morning hours were the hardest for me as I kept
dozing off. As I got used to the day rhythm, though, they became my
favourite. It was still dark and cold outside, and I liked being
awake in the peaceful silence while the rest of the world was still
asleep.
6:30-8:00am
Breakfast & Rest. Getting hot porridge and tea was comforting in
the slow sleepiness. After eating almost everyone went back to sleep
for another hour.
8:00-9:00am
Group meditation. Group meditation sessions were led by the teacher
and everyone had to sit in the hall. Meditation instructions were
given through recordings, first in English and then in Spanish. These
recordings are the same at all retreats around the world, spoken by
the guru Goenka. From day 5 on group sessions were also determination
challenges: Students had to sit still without major movement (no legs
straightening or back stretching) and with closed eyes (no looking at
watches). It was hard trying to tolerate my legs going totally numb
without knowing how much time had already passed, whilst still
staying focused on meditation.
9:00-11:00am
Meditation. I usually stayed in the hall until I felt too
tired to continue, and then went to “meditate” (read: sleep) to
my bed.
11:00am-1:00pm
Lunch & Rest. Lunch was the main meal, when delicious, healthy
and varied vegetarian dishes were served by volunteers, without whom
the retreat could not take place. The volunteers were always willing
to help in a selflessness manner, and not being able to thank them
was the hardest part of not speaking. Food (and two cups of instant
coffee) always lifted up my spirits. Then it was laundry and outdoors
time. There was a little garden overlooking a mountain with a walking
trail and fruit trees. I must have walked around the trail hundreds
of times (jogging was forbidden), taking breaks to half-secretly do
exercises behind a tree (yoga-like activity was forbidden, as well,
although everyone did it).
At
noon the teacher had her reception time to answer students'
questions. Individual bookings were needed, and anyways I prioritized
my scarce free time, so I never used the option to clarify any issues
about meditation techniques.
1:00-2:30pm
Meditation. After the long break I usually felt refreshed and focused
well in the early afternoon.
2:30-3:30pm
Group meditation. This was the hottest time of the day, when my brain
often felt dump.
3:30-5:00pm
Meditation. The teacher was present in the beginning, inviting
students by name to get in the front to meet her. This was a time for
brief questions about most burning issues. When the teacher left I
retired to lay on my bed.
5:00-6:00pm.
Tea break. During this hour I took a shower, and then went to sit
outside to enjoy tea and fruits. Unlike expected, I never had
problems eating so little at dinner time. Only on a couple of nights
I had to eat the emergency fruit I had taken from breakfast.
6:00-7:00pm.
Group meditation. By this time I felt like the day was almost over. I
usually took it easy and did not force myself to focus strictly
anymore.
7:00-8:30pm.
Video teaching. English speaking students got to watch original
videos of Goenka. His daily speeches are about meditation, morals of
life and Buddhism (even though vipassana is non secretariat),
accompanied with some humorous stories. This was the most relaxing
and interesting part of the day.
8:30-9:00pm.
Meditation. On these short sessions we often got instructions for the
following morning's meditation. Afterwards students were allowed to
stay and ask the teacher open questions. I always went straight to
bed, as most of the discussion was in Spanish anyways.
My
experience
The
meditation teachings were frankly saying boring during the first 3
days. It was only about breathing; observing air going in and out
through the nostrils, nothing else. My previous longest meditation
time had been 15 min, and now I was expected to do it for almost 10
hours a day. The first 2 days were miserable. I was so scared. I
tried to ask myself what I was actually scared of, and the best
answer was future suffering. I thought about the coming long days and
how much I would hate the imprisonment to set timetables and tasks. I
felt there was no way out but I would have to sit through the
sessions no matter how tired, aching or bored I would be.
To
focus on breathing is to be aware of the present moment: One can
memorize the past and imagine the future, but observe only the
present. Most of the time our minds are not in this moment, though. I
realized I spend an enormous amount of thinking to micro manage
following hours and days, often preparing to events that never even
occur. This was teaching number one; only worry about what is
happening now and deal with future as it comes. Somehow I began to
feel more hopeful at day 2 lunch time. As I was meditating, I kept
getting few second long flashbacks from various random places like
Hong Kong bus station, Kampala running trail and the Hague
supermarket. They made me feel fortunate about having seen so many
different great places along my life.
Despite
my desperation I worked persistently on the meditation tasks. I made
myself to focus on my breathing hour after hour. With a perfectionist
attitude I wanted to stick to the timetable and be true to myself
about working hard inside my head. Already before starting the
retreat I had guessed back pain would be my main obstacle. My back is
slightly scoliosis but most of its everyday pain is caused by sitting
too much by the computer. On day 4 we were introduced to the
vipassana technique and we had to sit for hours. My accumulated back
pain got so bad I began crying. Our warm-hearted camp manager Suzanna
took me outside for an encouraging talk. She had been through similar
physical constraint on her first retreat. Thanks to her I decided to
stay, and her daily smiles made me commit to it. My seat got moved to
the back row, where I could lean on the wall when needed.
From
day 5 on we scanned bodily sensations. Starting from the head we were
instructed to systematically move down to hands, front, back and legs
– to observe anything like tickling, pressure, warm / cold,
pulsing. I discovered what I call “fire massage”. As I was
thinking about my aching back, all the painful muscles got touched by
these warm pleasant waves that felt like getting a hot stone massage.
I was able to focus on each pressure point and massage them one by
one with my mind. By day 5 afternoon all the pain was gone and I was
filled with misbelief. I still cannot understand how it was possible
to unlock tensions that usually require an intense sports massage. I
went to rest on my bed for a while. Automatically the fire started
massaging my head, that was tired of all the focusing. Then I went to
take a shower and drink hot tea, feeling happily relaxed. This was
the moment when I truly enjoyed being on the retreat.
In
his recordings Goenka kept reminding us to treat each sensation, no
matter liked or unliked, with equanimity. This is to be reflected to
real life: We should not crave for positive experiences nor feel aversion towards negative ones, but instead understand
that everything is temporary. As we observe each feeling as a passing
moment, we distance ourselves from them and create less craving and
aversion, thus reducing unhappiness. Intellectually this concept
makes sense, but I never understood how to reach true equanimity in my heart.
Sure I liked the fire massage better than a numb leg, and I like
praising words better than insults, no matter what I try to tell
myself.
On
day 7 I hit a mental wall. Having over worked the previous days, I
had consumed all my focus reserves and I knew I could not restore
them without longer rest. Instead of progressing to “free flow”,
that is the desired feeling of subtle sensations running with ease
from head to toes, I began to feel less and less sensations. I spent
the day in frustration trying to force myself to work harder. Then I
decided to change my goal; instead of experiencing more advanced
meditation techniques I would learn to deal with the inability to try
my best due to lack of mental reserves. As I focused (with the little
ability I had left) and got no sensations, I calmly accepted the
situation. I was motivated to work on this particular skill, because
it is involved in my climbing on days when I cannot deal with fear of
falling but become angry at myself. I guess in the end I was
achieving some sort of equanimity, just in my own way. So teaching
number two could be to stay calm in any situation and accept the current capability to deal with it, although not optimal but neither
giving up altogether.
Day
10 was long awaited – we were finally allowed to talk! Actually the
silence had not been difficult for me. The retreat's idea is for
everyone to have her/his own journey, thus sharing opinions along the
way would have disturbed and altered our experiences. Without
being completely by myself I would not have gotten so deep into analyzing and processing my thoughts. Anyways talking was welcome, as we no
longer needed to just look into our feet but could show expression
and interest. The day was filled with chatter and smiles. Finally we
were able share our experiences – both about the meditation and the
camp life, such as being annoyed at snoring and couching people with
our over heightened senses. Starting to talk marked the end to
serious work. I was relieved all the suffering was finally over and
proud of myself for making the most out of the retreat.
For
me the meditation retreat was surely second type of fun. It was
beneficial to learn some important life lessons – to focus on the
present moment and make best out of it no matter what circumstances –
by experiencing rather than just by understanding. But it was very
hard. I am happy I did it but even happier that it is over.
