Prisoner in meditation

I heard about vipassana meditation for the first time 3 years ago. Then the whole concept – meditating for 10 days in silence – sounded like madness to me. But this spring, when a friend spoke highly of it, I got curious about the experience and how it might be helpful to me. My ability to concentrate had diminished annoyingly and I felt like I was struggling with something I quite could not name. I decided to go for the challenge and registered to a meditation retreat near Barcelona.

At arrival to the Dhamma Neru centre we students handed in our personal items, such as phones, books and music. We signed to respect the noble silence, timetables, modest dress code and all other instructions. Women and men were shown to separate residential areas, and we would only join to meditate together. We went to sleep already in silence.

The daily program

Every day followed the same timetable.

4:00am Wake-up. The mighty gong banged loudly to awaken us from lovely sleep. I cursed in my mind and went straight to the shower.

4:30-6:30am Meditation. During free meditation sessions we were allowed to meditate either in the common hall or on our beds, but not outside. I was only motivated to meditate in the hall, which was physically hard. Each student had her/his own seat in the hall. It was a pile of pillows and blankets on the floor without leaning opportunity. Sitting in a cross-legged position for hours was hard on the back and legs. Meditating on one's bed provided rest by leaning on a wall and even laying down (that was restricted to 5 min periods to prevent sleeping).

In the beginning these morning hours were the hardest for me as I kept dozing off. As I got used to the day rhythm, though, they became my favourite. It was still dark and cold outside, and I liked being awake in the peaceful silence while the rest of the world was still asleep.

6:30-8:00am Breakfast & Rest. Getting hot porridge and tea was comforting in the slow sleepiness. After eating almost everyone went back to sleep for another hour.

8:00-9:00am Group meditation. Group meditation sessions were led by the teacher and everyone had to sit in the hall. Meditation instructions were given through recordings, first in English and then in Spanish. These recordings are the same at all retreats around the world, spoken by the guru Goenka. From day 5 on group sessions were also determination challenges: Students had to sit still without major movement (no legs straightening or back stretching) and with closed eyes (no looking at watches). It was hard trying to tolerate my legs going totally numb without knowing how much time had already passed, whilst still staying focused on meditation.

9:00-11:00am Meditation. I usually stayed in the hall until I felt too tired to continue, and then went to “meditate” (read: sleep) to my bed.

11:00am-1:00pm Lunch & Rest. Lunch was the main meal, when delicious, healthy and varied vegetarian dishes were served by volunteers, without whom the retreat could not take place. The volunteers were always willing to help in a selflessness manner, and not being able to thank them was the hardest part of not speaking. Food (and two cups of instant coffee) always lifted up my spirits. Then it was laundry and outdoors time. There was a little garden overlooking a mountain with a walking trail and fruit trees. I must have walked around the trail hundreds of times (jogging was forbidden), taking breaks to half-secretly do exercises behind a tree (yoga-like activity was forbidden, as well, although everyone did it).

At noon the teacher had her reception time to answer students' questions. Individual bookings were needed, and anyways I prioritized my scarce free time, so I never used the option to clarify any issues about meditation techniques.

1:00-2:30pm Meditation. After the long break I usually felt refreshed and focused well in the early afternoon.

2:30-3:30pm Group meditation. This was the hottest time of the day, when my brain often felt dump.

3:30-5:00pm Meditation. The teacher was present in the beginning, inviting students by name to get in the front to meet her. This was a time for brief questions about most burning issues. When the teacher left I retired to lay on my bed.

5:00-6:00pm. Tea break. During this hour I took a shower, and then went to sit outside to enjoy tea and fruits. Unlike expected, I never had problems eating so little at dinner time. Only on a couple of nights I had to eat the emergency fruit I had taken from breakfast.

6:00-7:00pm. Group meditation. By this time I felt like the day was almost over. I usually took it easy and did not force myself to focus strictly anymore.

7:00-8:30pm. Video teaching. English speaking students got to watch original videos of Goenka. His daily speeches are about meditation, morals of life and Buddhism (even though vipassana is non secretariat), accompanied with some humorous stories. This was the most relaxing and interesting part of the day.

8:30-9:00pm. Meditation. On these short sessions we often got instructions for the following morning's meditation. Afterwards students were allowed to stay and ask the teacher open questions. I always went straight to bed, as most of the discussion was in Spanish anyways.

My experience

The meditation teachings were frankly saying boring during the first 3 days. It was only about breathing; observing air going in and out through the nostrils, nothing else. My previous longest meditation time had been 15 min, and now I was expected to do it for almost 10 hours a day. The first 2 days were miserable. I was so scared. I tried to ask myself what I was actually scared of, and the best answer was future suffering. I thought about the coming long days and how much I would hate the imprisonment to set timetables and tasks. I felt there was no way out but I would have to sit through the sessions no matter how tired, aching or bored I would be.

To focus on breathing is to be aware of the present moment: One can memorize the past and imagine the future, but observe only the present. Most of the time our minds are not in this moment, though. I realized I spend an enormous amount of thinking to micro manage following hours and days, often preparing to events that never even occur. This was teaching number one; only worry about what is happening now and deal with future as it comes. Somehow I began to feel more hopeful at day 2 lunch time. As I was meditating, I kept getting few second long flashbacks from various random places like Hong Kong bus station, Kampala running trail and the Hague supermarket. They made me feel fortunate about having seen so many different great places along my life.

Despite my desperation I worked persistently on the meditation tasks. I made myself to focus on my breathing hour after hour. With a perfectionist attitude I wanted to stick to the timetable and be true to myself about working hard inside my head. Already before starting the retreat I had guessed back pain would be my main obstacle. My back is slightly scoliosis but most of its everyday pain is caused by sitting too much by the computer. On day 4 we were introduced to the vipassana technique and we had to sit for hours. My accumulated back pain got so bad I began crying. Our warm-hearted camp manager Suzanna took me outside for an encouraging talk. She had been through similar physical constraint on her first retreat. Thanks to her I decided to stay, and her daily smiles made me commit to it. My seat got moved to the back row, where I could lean on the wall when needed.

From day 5 on we scanned bodily sensations. Starting from the head we were instructed to systematically move down to hands, front, back and legs – to observe anything like tickling, pressure, warm / cold, pulsing. I discovered what I call “fire massage”. As I was thinking about my aching back, all the painful muscles got touched by these warm pleasant waves that felt like getting a hot stone massage. I was able to focus on each pressure point and massage them one by one with my mind. By day 5 afternoon all the pain was gone and I was filled with misbelief. I still cannot understand how it was possible to unlock tensions that usually require an intense sports massage. I went to rest on my bed for a while. Automatically the fire started massaging my head, that was tired of all the focusing. Then I went to take a shower and drink hot tea, feeling happily relaxed. This was the moment when I truly enjoyed being on the retreat.

In his recordings Goenka kept reminding us to treat each sensation, no matter liked or unliked, with equanimity. This is to be reflected to real life: We should not crave for positive experiences nor feel aversion towards negative ones, but instead understand that everything is temporary. As we observe each feeling as a passing moment, we distance ourselves from them and create less craving and aversion, thus reducing unhappiness. Intellectually this concept makes sense, but I never understood how to reach true equanimity in my heart. Sure I liked the fire massage better than a numb leg, and I like praising words better than insults, no matter what I try to tell myself.

On day 7 I hit a mental wall. Having over worked the previous days, I had consumed all my focus reserves and I knew I could not restore them without longer rest. Instead of progressing to “free flow”, that is the desired feeling of subtle sensations running with ease from head to toes, I began to feel less and less sensations. I spent the day in frustration trying to force myself to work harder. Then I decided to change my goal; instead of experiencing more advanced meditation techniques I would learn to deal with the inability to try my best due to lack of mental reserves. As I focused (with the little ability I had left) and got no sensations, I calmly accepted the situation. I was motivated to work on this particular skill, because it is involved in my climbing on days when I cannot deal with fear of falling but become angry at myself. I guess in the end I was achieving some sort of equanimity, just in my own way. So teaching number two could be to stay calm in any situation and accept the current capability to deal with it, although not optimal but neither giving up altogether.

Day 10 was long awaited – we were finally allowed to talk! Actually the silence had not been difficult for me. The retreat's idea is for everyone to have her/his own journey, thus sharing opinions along the way would have disturbed and altered our experiences. Without being completely by myself I would not have gotten so deep into analyzing and processing my thoughts. Anyways talking was welcome, as we no longer needed to just look into our feet but could show expression and interest. The day was filled with chatter and smiles. Finally we were able share our experiences – both about the meditation and the camp life, such as being annoyed at snoring and couching people with our over heightened senses. Starting to talk marked the end to serious work. I was relieved all the suffering was finally over and proud of myself for making the most out of the retreat.

For me the meditation retreat was surely second type of fun. It was beneficial to learn some important life lessons – to focus on the present moment and make best out of it no matter what circumstances – by experiencing rather than just by understanding. But it was very hard. I am happy I did it but even happier that it is over.