Climbing: fear of falling

I started climbing around six years ago. I was way too scared to lead climb, and even indoors I literally cried above bolts. I always considered leading as "the real climbing", but due to my fear I only top-roped and felt somewhat worthless. This changed three years ago when I spent a weekend in Red River Gorge. I admired the climbers trying their hardest and taking big falls on the beautiful sandstone wall. It looked so cool that I decided to overcome my fear of falling. When I returned home I stopped top-roping at my gym and started to practice leading.

Red River Gorge

My fear of falling is caused mostly by the uncomfortableness of unknown. That is why I face it heads on: I take falls to convince myself that it is okey. Usually after a few practice falls, on a safe route and with a reliable belayer, I feel more relaxed with my climbing. Rather than thinking about falling I can focus on route reading, technique and tactics. That is what sport climbing is to me at its best - pushing the physical limit!

Fall practice in Lammi, Finland

However, in contrary to what I thought at first, taking controlled practice falls was not the complete solution. In the beginning it improved my "lead head" notably. Whenever I felt unsure about a move I jumped off, which gave me lots of falling experience. I was no longer climbing down or asking for takes, but neither I was truly pushing myself. I would half-heartedly try the crux, actually afraid that I would make it and have to climb even further from the bolt. Instead of really committing to hard routes I took falls in the name of practicing.

This summer I was at a crag with a climbing coach. He saw me confidently taking long practice falls and told that I was no longer benefiting of it. The next step would be to just focus on moving; being out of my comfort zone but trying to make it without falling. Either I would succeed, yet having beaten my fear, or take a real fall. Eventually I would start feeling less scared higher above or further sideways of my bolts.

Having an experienced belayer plays a huge part in my mental game. I am very demanding towards my belayers on the amount of rope slack, soft catch and general attentiveness. I must feel that I can safely fall at any time, unannounced and comfortable. I am extra happy if my belayer encourages me, and often having him/her, as well as other climbers, watching me makes me try my very best.

Admitting that I have only a limited about of mental reserves for each climbing day and that I need rest days completely away from the rock has made me more tolerant towards myself. I now accept that sometimes I get mentally worn out prior to getting physically tired. Especially onsighting is tiring, since one can never know for sure what is coming. Projecting is more relaxing, just working on specific sections and taking rests, and at red point attempts one knows what to do. Therefore it makes sense to alternate more and less mentally demanding climbs; by picking onsighting/red pointing, high/low grades or easy/scary bolted routes.

Projecting in Berdorf

I just spent five weeks in Kalymnos and it was so far my best climbing trip. I was still somewhat scared of falling, but I did not let myself drop sends because of the fear. I onsighted several routes right at my skill level and climbed through sections I previously would have backed off from. On my last day I tried a hard route with big tufas, long reaches and fingery pockets, really fighting to stay on the wall but fell off. I was finally climbing like I wanted to - bravely and motivatedly!

High clipping in Kalymnos

I < 3 Catalonia

I started TRIP II in Spain. (TRIP I was my previous long travels a couple of years ago.) Barcelona got selected as my base location for the practical reason of having the meditation camp there. I did not have specific plans for the month I spent in Catalonia, other than going to some mountains. While travelling I like to keep my options open until almost last minute, since that gives me the flexibility to respond to offers made on the way. I make sure to book major items like flights timely, while leaving local decision making to the moment.

My first destination was Abella de la Conca eco refugio. It is a small hideaway climbers place in an idyllic village and I immediately felt at home there. There are some crags within a walking distance there, but reaching the area's best climbing requires a car. For most of the time the refugio hosted just a handful of climbers. Of course visiting different crags, from slab limestone to steep congloromate, was great, but sharing stories over self-made dinners was equally rewarding. For a few days I was the only guest, so I got started with what I call my self-development activities. Now that I am not working I want to devote some time to learning skills I otherwise would have much less time for. These skills include writing (more) blog posts, doing strenght & streching exercises and meditating to start with, and later on I might add German language and basic photography to them.

I failed at making proper plans for after the meditation camp, so I just trusted at something coming up at the time of finishing it. I got indeed lucky! On the last day of the camp, when we began talking again, a girl came to ask me if I am a climber. She introduced me to a bunch of international climbers living and visiting Catalonia, and that way I ended up to Rodellar. I stayed in Kaladraka refugio, that is a lively place in the middle of tens of awesome crags. Grouped up with heaps of fun people I got my ass kicked by routes too hard for me.

To balance off the quietness and simplicity of mountain life, I stayed in Barcelona for half a week. I spent hours just walking around; admiring the architecture, watching people, looking at varied neighbourhoods and enjoying tapas & wine at charismatic restaurants. I had already started to think of Catalonia as a sport climber's paradise, and the days in Barcelona finalized my falling in love with the area! Climbers living there get to experience the fascinating city, visit numerous local crags on work evenings and choose of world class weekend destinations like Siurana, Margalef, Rodellar and Monteserrat. I might actually return to Catalonia in the spring, when I need to be in Europe to seriously apply for jobs. Living cheaply at the refugios, while climbing and sending out job applications, does not seem like a bad life at all.

Prisoner in meditation

I heard about vipassana meditation for the first time 3 years ago. Then the whole concept – meditating for 10 days in silence – sounded like madness to me. But this spring, when a friend spoke highly of it, I got curious about the experience and how it might be helpful to me. My ability to concentrate had diminished annoyingly and I felt like I was struggling with something I quite could not name. I decided to go for the challenge and registered to a meditation retreat near Barcelona.

At arrival to the Dhamma Neru centre we students handed in our personal items, such as phones, books and music. We signed to respect the noble silence, timetables, modest dress code and all other instructions. Women and men were shown to separate residential areas, and we would only join to meditate together. We went to sleep already in silence.

The daily program

Every day followed the same timetable.

4:00am Wake-up. The mighty gong banged loudly to awaken us from lovely sleep. I cursed in my mind and went straight to the shower.

4:30-6:30am Meditation. During free meditation sessions we were allowed to meditate either in the common hall or on our beds, but not outside. I was only motivated to meditate in the hall, which was physically hard. Each student had her/his own seat in the hall. It was a pile of pillows and blankets on the floor without leaning opportunity. Sitting in a cross-legged position for hours was hard on the back and legs. Meditating on one's bed provided rest by leaning on a wall and even laying down (that was restricted to 5 min periods to prevent sleeping).

In the beginning these morning hours were the hardest for me as I kept dozing off. As I got used to the day rhythm, though, they became my favourite. It was still dark and cold outside, and I liked being awake in the peaceful silence while the rest of the world was still asleep.

6:30-8:00am Breakfast & Rest. Getting hot porridge and tea was comforting in the slow sleepiness. After eating almost everyone went back to sleep for another hour.

8:00-9:00am Group meditation. Group meditation sessions were led by the teacher and everyone had to sit in the hall. Meditation instructions were given through recordings, first in English and then in Spanish. These recordings are the same at all retreats around the world, spoken by the guru Goenka. From day 5 on group sessions were also determination challenges: Students had to sit still without major movement (no legs straightening or back stretching) and with closed eyes (no looking at watches). It was hard trying to tolerate my legs going totally numb without knowing how much time had already passed, whilst still staying focused on meditation.

9:00-11:00am Meditation. I usually stayed in the hall until I felt too tired to continue, and then went to “meditate” (read: sleep) to my bed.

11:00am-1:00pm Lunch & Rest. Lunch was the main meal, when delicious, healthy and varied vegetarian dishes were served by volunteers, without whom the retreat could not take place. The volunteers were always willing to help in a selflessness manner, and not being able to thank them was the hardest part of not speaking. Food (and two cups of instant coffee) always lifted up my spirits. Then it was laundry and outdoors time. There was a little garden overlooking a mountain with a walking trail and fruit trees. I must have walked around the trail hundreds of times (jogging was forbidden), taking breaks to half-secretly do exercises behind a tree (yoga-like activity was forbidden, as well, although everyone did it).

At noon the teacher had her reception time to answer students' questions. Individual bookings were needed, and anyways I prioritized my scarce free time, so I never used the option to clarify any issues about meditation techniques.

1:00-2:30pm Meditation. After the long break I usually felt refreshed and focused well in the early afternoon.

2:30-3:30pm Group meditation. This was the hottest time of the day, when my brain often felt dump.

3:30-5:00pm Meditation. The teacher was present in the beginning, inviting students by name to get in the front to meet her. This was a time for brief questions about most burning issues. When the teacher left I retired to lay on my bed.

5:00-6:00pm. Tea break. During this hour I took a shower, and then went to sit outside to enjoy tea and fruits. Unlike expected, I never had problems eating so little at dinner time. Only on a couple of nights I had to eat the emergency fruit I had taken from breakfast.

6:00-7:00pm. Group meditation. By this time I felt like the day was almost over. I usually took it easy and did not force myself to focus strictly anymore.

7:00-8:30pm. Video teaching. English speaking students got to watch original videos of Goenka. His daily speeches are about meditation, morals of life and Buddhism (even though vipassana is non secretariat), accompanied with some humorous stories. This was the most relaxing and interesting part of the day.

8:30-9:00pm. Meditation. On these short sessions we often got instructions for the following morning's meditation. Afterwards students were allowed to stay and ask the teacher open questions. I always went straight to bed, as most of the discussion was in Spanish anyways.

My experience

The meditation teachings were frankly saying boring during the first 3 days. It was only about breathing; observing air going in and out through the nostrils, nothing else. My previous longest meditation time had been 15 min, and now I was expected to do it for almost 10 hours a day. The first 2 days were miserable. I was so scared. I tried to ask myself what I was actually scared of, and the best answer was future suffering. I thought about the coming long days and how much I would hate the imprisonment to set timetables and tasks. I felt there was no way out but I would have to sit through the sessions no matter how tired, aching or bored I would be.

To focus on breathing is to be aware of the present moment: One can memorize the past and imagine the future, but observe only the present. Most of the time our minds are not in this moment, though. I realized I spend an enormous amount of thinking to micro manage following hours and days, often preparing to events that never even occur. This was teaching number one; only worry about what is happening now and deal with future as it comes. Somehow I began to feel more hopeful at day 2 lunch time. As I was meditating, I kept getting few second long flashbacks from various random places like Hong Kong bus station, Kampala running trail and the Hague supermarket. They made me feel fortunate about having seen so many different great places along my life.

Despite my desperation I worked persistently on the meditation tasks. I made myself to focus on my breathing hour after hour. With a perfectionist attitude I wanted to stick to the timetable and be true to myself about working hard inside my head. Already before starting the retreat I had guessed back pain would be my main obstacle. My back is slightly scoliosis but most of its everyday pain is caused by sitting too much by the computer. On day 4 we were introduced to the vipassana technique and we had to sit for hours. My accumulated back pain got so bad I began crying. Our warm-hearted camp manager Suzanna took me outside for an encouraging talk. She had been through similar physical constraint on her first retreat. Thanks to her I decided to stay, and her daily smiles made me commit to it. My seat got moved to the back row, where I could lean on the wall when needed.

From day 5 on we scanned bodily sensations. Starting from the head we were instructed to systematically move down to hands, front, back and legs – to observe anything like tickling, pressure, warm / cold, pulsing. I discovered what I call “fire massage”. As I was thinking about my aching back, all the painful muscles got touched by these warm pleasant waves that felt like getting a hot stone massage. I was able to focus on each pressure point and massage them one by one with my mind. By day 5 afternoon all the pain was gone and I was filled with misbelief. I still cannot understand how it was possible to unlock tensions that usually require an intense sports massage. I went to rest on my bed for a while. Automatically the fire started massaging my head, that was tired of all the focusing. Then I went to take a shower and drink hot tea, feeling happily relaxed. This was the moment when I truly enjoyed being on the retreat.

In his recordings Goenka kept reminding us to treat each sensation, no matter liked or unliked, with equanimity. This is to be reflected to real life: We should not crave for positive experiences nor feel aversion towards negative ones, but instead understand that everything is temporary. As we observe each feeling as a passing moment, we distance ourselves from them and create less craving and aversion, thus reducing unhappiness. Intellectually this concept makes sense, but I never understood how to reach true equanimity in my heart. Sure I liked the fire massage better than a numb leg, and I like praising words better than insults, no matter what I try to tell myself.

On day 7 I hit a mental wall. Having over worked the previous days, I had consumed all my focus reserves and I knew I could not restore them without longer rest. Instead of progressing to “free flow”, that is the desired feeling of subtle sensations running with ease from head to toes, I began to feel less and less sensations. I spent the day in frustration trying to force myself to work harder. Then I decided to change my goal; instead of experiencing more advanced meditation techniques I would learn to deal with the inability to try my best due to lack of mental reserves. As I focused (with the little ability I had left) and got no sensations, I calmly accepted the situation. I was motivated to work on this particular skill, because it is involved in my climbing on days when I cannot deal with fear of falling but become angry at myself. I guess in the end I was achieving some sort of equanimity, just in my own way. So teaching number two could be to stay calm in any situation and accept the current capability to deal with it, although not optimal but neither giving up altogether.

Day 10 was long awaited – we were finally allowed to talk! Actually the silence had not been difficult for me. The retreat's idea is for everyone to have her/his own journey, thus sharing opinions along the way would have disturbed and altered our experiences. Without being completely by myself I would not have gotten so deep into analyzing and processing my thoughts. Anyways talking was welcome, as we no longer needed to just look into our feet but could show expression and interest. The day was filled with chatter and smiles. Finally we were able share our experiences – both about the meditation and the camp life, such as being annoyed at snoring and couching people with our over heightened senses. Starting to talk marked the end to serious work. I was relieved all the suffering was finally over and proud of myself for making the most out of the retreat.

For me the meditation retreat was surely second type of fun. It was beneficial to learn some important life lessons – to focus on the present moment and make best out of it no matter what circumstances – by experiencing rather than just by understanding. But it was very hard. I am happy I did it but even happier that it is over. 

International development (in my words)

I start by distinguishing between humanitarian aid and international development – which is crystal clear to anyone operating among them but often mixed up by others. Humanitarian aid is short-time help to meet people's primary needs in catastrophes such as wars and natural hazards. International development (int dev) aims at delivering sustainable solutions to grounding problems like poverty, inequality, environmental destruction and bad governance. Three years ago, when I decided to make a career change to int dev, I was a total novice in the field. Having studied business and worked at the private sector, I did not know even the basics.

During a year of job seeking and two years of working I learned quite a bit about int dev. There are still many aspects I do not know anything about and even more of whom I have just scraped the surface. But when one starts from zero the initial learning curve is steep. Because of my commercial background, I will compare some int dev concepts and characteristics with those familiar from business. Since I have properly worked only for two organizations – one company and one NGO – my perceptions may reflect organizational cultures rather than being objectively representative of their sectors.

My NGO believes in green energy!

There are different players at the int dev sector. Project implementers, usually NGOs, can be called companies in our comparison. They undertake activities related to the int dev issues listed earlier. Their “clients” are people receiving goods, services and education provided by them. Often these people are underpriviledged and without the projects their needs would be left unmet. They rarely pay, at least fully, for what they get. So where do NGOs get money from since they do not make income with their clients? Their operations are funded by donors. Donors are generally country governments or consortiums of them, or rich privates, that fund the projects as their development aid commitments or out of good will. Instead of implementing wanted activities on the ground themselves, they contract NGOs for their resources and expertise. So in a way donors are investors in these projects, just that instead of getting money in return they get development results.

As mentioned, int dev often takes place in the project form. Donors announce calls (tenders in business terms) about the kinds of projects they want to fund. They define desired project location, size, scope, timeline and outcome. Different NGOs compete who gets the available funding. Proposal writing is a time consuming state of art, as NGOs must convince donors of their experience, knowledge and resources. As opposed to previous times, when donors knew little of how their money was spent in the end, donors of today require extensive reporting of achieved results. These results may be for example number of people reached, jobs created, disease prevented and so on, some easier to measure than others.

Visiting a beneficiary in Kenya

For employees int dev is more volatile work environment than stably running business. Winning a big call can mean notable operations increase to an NGO. It may need to hire new personnel with specific skills. This means that often int dev jobs are fixed to project budgets and timelines, and many people switch organizations every few years following suitable positions. Also external consultants are popularly used to provide spot-on expertise. Despite this uncertainty and relatively low salary level, thousands of talented people choose to work in int dev. They are drawn by the meaningfulness of the work, complex challenges to be solved, truly international teams and travels, and above all the colourful lifestyle. The int dev crew is exceptionally engaged in world problems, equipped with adventurous and open mindset, and truly motivated by the work they do.

Field trip visit in Indonesia

When I searched for my first int dev job I faced huge barriers. I competed against professionals with relevant degrees, extensive volunteer and work experience, and handful of fluently mastered languages. I lacked any contacts within the sector – the single most important factor in getting a job. Luckily back then I did not know how desperate my task really was, otherwise I might have given up. Instead I persistently sent tens of applications, also to irrelevant and unreachable organizations, since I did not know better even to separate project implementers and donors from each other. During the first half a year I did not even receive rejection messages. I wrote to foreign ministries (who surprisingly wrote back!) and sought out friends of friends working in int dev to ask for their advice. In the end I finally managed to get two interviews and one of them got me the job in the Netherlands. Following social media groups of young int dev professionals, I see many capable 30-year-olds still doing internships and struggling to break into paid work. Compared to private sector the int dev job market is twisted. NGOs can get highly skilled workforce basically for free since there are eager people lined up to do anything just to get the experience in their CVs. I can consider myself lucky for jumping right into a proper job, even though I had to accept a notable salary cut down from my business job.

So are int dev workers genuinely selfless and purely motivated by helping poor people? Of course not! They are intelligent and ambitious, and seek personal glory even more than average private sector workers. They want to get recognized as innovators of new concepts (regardless whether they benefit more or less people than replicating old ones) and get publicity at field circles. It seems to me that private sector teams are more uniformed working towards a common goal – simply maximizing revenue – whilst int dev workers each have their personal, often conflicting agendas in an environment without a clear common target. Because operations in int dev are not straight forwardly revenue driven (although results delivered to donors could be interpreted as such), resources are often used more loosely.

Maroccon street food with my favorite colleague and client

To conclude this subjective description of int dev, complemented with personal rambling, I want to say I do not regret a minute the decision to enter working on it. Although I may consider some profit-for-purpose type of a organization even a better fit for me, taken my result orientedness and effectiveness, I feel at home among int dev issues and people. I hope that when I read this text in a few years time I will think about how little did I know back then, since that will be a sign of continuous learning.

New beginning - once again

I have written hardly anything during the past few years. The main reason is that nothing very exciting has happened in my settled everyday life. Besides, I have not felt inspired to get started on the topics I have in my mind. I will get to those ones later on. But I also feel like whatever I would write about my attitude towards life would be repetition to my previous posts. Let's take this one as an example...

This is my last night in the Netherlands. After living here for two years it is time to move on. Professionally, after some genuinely interesting times, I got quite bored sitting quietly in the office, far away from the action taking place in Africa and Asia. The projects I worked for became just excels and emails to me, rather than real people benefiting from them. I realized if I want to continue my career in the development sector I want to be placed near the projects; where problems and solutions reside, where I get exposed to different cultures, where unexpected things happen. I sense the sector is full of adventure but I was missing out on it. Another major reason for leaving this flatland is of course the lack of outdoor climbing. I got tired of indoor top roping (yes, Dutch gyms only have top rope and no lead) while it was pouring raining outside. Outdoors life and especially climbing is my lifestyle, which brings me so much happiness I cannot imagine living without it any longer.

The above reasons are definitely valid. However, if you read my previous posts you see me repeating words such as adventure, unknown future and new challenges. Apparently I get some sort of thrill out of leaving behind what I have built and starting over with something new. That is why I am not going to write again about the excitement of packing up and stepping on a plane to head towards things I yet have no idea about. This time my plan is to travel for around half a year. I do not know yet where I am heading to, but in addition to climbing (and I really wanna get good at it!) I want to explore opportunities to combine my professional ambitions with a traveling outdoors lifestyle. My ideas are still vague and versatile, and I do not know which attribute weighs more in importance, but I believe I will find a way to get what I want. Compared to the similar situation three years ago, I feel now more confident with my skills, more trusting at my persistence and intuition, and more accepted by people around me.

So let's cut the crap: I am damn psyched to go traveling!

And a few photos to summarize the silent year...

For winter break I went to Laos and climbed like shit but promised to improve my climbing attitude...

...while hanging out with this group of most amazing people!

In the Netherlands I explored many different cities and learned to appreciate art museums...

...and trained climbing indoors. 

At Easter I went to Turkey that was amazing in such many ways...

...so I returned there immediately and finally sent my first 7A (woohoo!)

In the summer I had many nice visitors with whom I visited more cities...

...and ate and drank well.

I made weekend trips to the UK to see the idyllic countryside...

...and sleep on beautiful spots that got me thinking about getting my own van and being completely free!

Everyday life in the Hague

I have lived in the Netherlands already for a year and half now, but have not yet written about my life here. I have started several texts but abandoned them due to their lack of proper content and angle. This time I am just going to write something and publish it anyhow.

The Hague is a peaceful city with half a million inhabitants on the North Sea coast. My favorite thing here is running by the beach. I like it during all seasons; in the summer crowded with surfers, kids and beer drinkers, and in the winter hiding in quiet grey fog. There is plenty of pretty architecture here, and during free days I leisurely walk through my lively neighborhood to the historical centrum, just looking at little shops and cafes. Of all the Dutch cities I have seen, I prefer to live in the Hague. There is no big party scene here, but an active expat community as well as a good range of international restaurants and cosy bars. Within the city I can bike anywhere in less than half an hour, and frequent trains take me conveniently anywhere else. I have already made many city trips in the Netherlands.

The Hague has amazing sunsets!

Dutch people are cheerful/loud, tall/giant, direct/rude, confident/arrogant, pragmatic/cheap - depending on how you look at it. The longer I live here the more similarities I notice between Dutchies and Finns. Both skip small talk, make weird jokes and act tough. I like my Dutch friends but it is quite hard to find my way into their busy schedules, so it is somehow easier to befriend with other expats also new in the country. When I first moved here I took a basic Dutch language course. I pick up words quickly so I can read simple texts pretty well and even speak myself, but I have a hard time with listening understanding. Everyone speaks excellent English and has little patience to speak simple Dutch to me, so I have dropped my attempt to learn it.

Dutch people love to sit outside - both in good and bad weather

My two biggest complaints are dreadful weather and lack of nature. On average it rains here every third day, which makes especially winters depressing. Apart from small residential parks, everything is built, paved and populated. Before moving here I did not even realize how much free space and wilderness mean to me. The truth is I live in the Netherlands almost solely for my career. Despite the comfortable life here, soon I will hit the point when I want to relocate somewhere I can fully enjoy living.

Sand dunes on the long coastline