Subjective achievements

I study the next few holds and move up, following their pattern. I clip. All my concentration is on the wall. Without over-trying I find the right moves and progressing on the route feels effortless. I clip again. My movements are naturally adjusting to the differently shaped holds arranged to form a sequence leading up. I clip the top anchor. As I am being lowered down I have a huge grin on my face; I have just climbed cleanly a route I had previously considered way too difficult and exhausting!

My belayer gives me a high five. He could climb the same route eyes closed but he knows it is an accomplishment for me. That is what I like about the climbing society - even the best climbers are cheering on everyone, training hard but willing to have nice chats and good laughs. Even though I am the worst climber amongst my group I am never looked down at, just sometimes encouraged to work a bit harder to reach my potential.

Since I began climbing I have been terrified at lead falls. I have quit numerous routes because of being too scared, rather than being too unskilled. That has made me feel disappointed and frustrated - I could accept reaching my physical limits but being mentally weak makes me angry at myself; since it is simply just a matter of deciding to be braver I should be able to do it. I can logically conclude that falling on inside gym routes is safe. Besides, it would be cool to be one of those climbers who keep on trying until they cannot hold on but take whatever fall it brings along. I hate giving up without trying my best!

This inner battle has never been won by being pushed by fellow climbers. But this year I made a (Facebook published) New Years resolution to lead climb properly. I have taken fall practices into my schedule; I annoy my trusted belayers by jumping down tens of times from a single route, to test falling from different heights and to get the feeling that it is ok. It is helping me and I am feeling a lot more secure and confident when lead climbing.

However, the most important lesson is that I must WANT to do something. When I am in the middle of a scary route, debating with myself whether to give up or continue, I tell myself "This is what I want to do". Sometimes I still give up to the fear but more often I keep on going. The motivation is coming from inside myself, not from outside.

There is a hold on the upper right direction. It looks like a handle so I could try to make a dyno up there. My leg slips and I fall. I swing and drop a few meters. I have taken my first accidental lead fall when going for a difficult move. No matter if no one else understands my joy - I have done something I have aimed for since I began climbing! I have had the courage to try until I fall!

Could this be applied to life in general? Could we stop comparing ourselves to others but be happy when we achieve something significant just to ourselves?

My first climbing competition

No title (vol2)

I began seeing a man. From the very beginning on I knew I would loose him but I still went for it. It had been some years since I had felt that strongly for anyone; with him I laughed at silliest little things, walked aimlessly in forests, woke up during nights to give hugs... Even though we spent lots of time together I was always looking forward to seeing him again. His every message made me smile. Then I lost him. Now that the loss is reality, not just some to-come day, do I still think I made a wise choice deciding to see this till the inevitable end?

Based on past similar experiences, I presumed I would be miserable; seeing joy at nothing, believing at no further romances and acting very martyr-like. Yes, I am crying even when writing this text, but I am not desperate. By acknowledging this feeling of sadness, rather than trying to deny it, I kind of accept it. Life is composed of both happiness and sorrow, which makes it interesting. Whilst in contrary, not daring to be exposed to any feelings makes life dull.

It is often perceived that only long-lasting relationships are valuable. I disagree. If I am happy with someone at this very precise moment, without knowing how many more moments I will spend with him, does it make this one less happy? I doubt so, but it might make me appreciate this specific moment even more because I am not anticipating any future moments with him (with more beautiful surroundings, more time, more made promises) but this might be the best one. I am forced to live in the present because future may not come.

At first thought it seems logical that in order to love you must be loved in return - exclusively by the same person you love. But whether he loves me or not, deep in down it does not change my immediate feelings for him. Nevertheless I am capable of loving, and the feeling itself is more important than its target or outcome. At the end, when he no longer loves me, I still have my beautiful memories that he or no one else can take away. Right now those memories are still fresh in my mind, partly painful because they are already past but mostly enjoyable because they happened.

It always seems that when I get sad about something, the universe starts sending reminders of other good things. It forces me to see the beauty, kindness and success still surrounding me. It can be a polite gentleman picking up my lost scarf at the airport, seeing a sunrise with all colors through a bus window, randomly finding a new touching song... I still do not know if those things really increase in frequency or if I am more receptive to noticing them. Anyways they draw me from wasting my precious days in this world without noticing all the good in it.

Why cannot I be happy because I got exactly what I wanted? Why must I sit here, crying and writing about positive sides about sadness? When is it time for me to be able to count to be loved in return?

Birdie

A few months ago I got a tattoo. It is a small humming bird with beautiful colors and graceful position. She comes from a mysterious secret garden, and on my shoulder she reminds me of what I have discovered about life so far.

For years I had thought that I will get a tattoo when I come up with something lastingly meaningful. But no single symbol appeared. Until a year and half ago I was touring the US. During the previous winter I had faced some disappointments and spent lots of time alone, just thinking about reasons for happiness. At the beaches of Hawaii and on the deserts of Arizona I realized I was often smiling by myself; being surrounded by people who are important to me, learning new exciting skills, seeing stunning nature, doing plainly fun things. I realized that no single event or person is worth of loosing my curiosity for what all is out there. I realized that as long as I am following my own path, no matter how narrow or curvy it is, deep inside I am happy.

As I am not an artist I needed to find a ready picture to store my thoughts. I have always liked birds because of their appearance, so I flipped through a website of thematic tattoos. This one bird caught my eye and I kept thinking about it until I returned from Uganda. Then I marched into a tattoo shop with a picture on my hand and made an appointment. Birdie turned out beautiful and I grew to like her as I was taking care of her during the healing process.

Since my US tour I have been yet learning more. I still totally agree to what I realized there, and on top of that I am continuously collecting awakening experiences and increasing consciousness. Right now I am trying to learn to accept circumstances and incidents as they come, as meaningful cyclical ups and downs, rather than as random (un)luckiness. Instead of demanding certain things from life I should openly face what it brings along; see the joy in good and identify the teaching in bad, no matter whether or not it fits to my plans and dreams.

Instead of symbolizing one static thing, my birdie is accumulating insight and attitude. She does not forget the learnings of past, but still she stays capable of absorbing new ideas and changing mind when needed. I do not see her all the time, but when I look at her through a mirror I feel comfort as I remember everything she stands for.

Birdie being a tourist in Spain