Subjective achievements

I study the next few holds and move up, following their pattern. I clip. All my concentration is on the wall. Without over-trying I find the right moves and progressing on the route feels effortless. I clip again. My movements are naturally adjusting to the differently shaped holds arranged to form a sequence leading up. I clip the top anchor. As I am being lowered down I have a huge grin on my face; I have just climbed cleanly a route I had previously considered way too difficult and exhausting!

My belayer gives me a high five. He could climb the same route eyes closed but he knows it is an accomplishment for me. That is what I like about the climbing society - even the best climbers are cheering on everyone, training hard but willing to have nice chats and good laughs. Even though I am the worst climber amongst my group I am never looked down at, just sometimes encouraged to work a bit harder to reach my potential.

Since I began climbing I have been terrified at lead falls. I have quit numerous routes because of being too scared, rather than being too unskilled. That has made me feel disappointed and frustrated - I could accept reaching my physical limits but being mentally weak makes me angry at myself; since it is simply just a matter of deciding to be braver I should be able to do it. I can logically conclude that falling on inside gym routes is safe. Besides, it would be cool to be one of those climbers who keep on trying until they cannot hold on but take whatever fall it brings along. I hate giving up without trying my best!

This inner battle has never been won by being pushed by fellow climbers. But this year I made a (Facebook published) New Years resolution to lead climb properly. I have taken fall practices into my schedule; I annoy my trusted belayers by jumping down tens of times from a single route, to test falling from different heights and to get the feeling that it is ok. It is helping me and I am feeling a lot more secure and confident when lead climbing.

However, the most important lesson is that I must WANT to do something. When I am in the middle of a scary route, debating with myself whether to give up or continue, I tell myself "This is what I want to do". Sometimes I still give up to the fear but more often I keep on going. The motivation is coming from inside myself, not from outside.

There is a hold on the upper right direction. It looks like a handle so I could try to make a dyno up there. My leg slips and I fall. I swing and drop a few meters. I have taken my first accidental lead fall when going for a difficult move. No matter if no one else understands my joy - I have done something I have aimed for since I began climbing! I have had the courage to try until I fall!

Could this be applied to life in general? Could we stop comparing ourselves to others but be happy when we achieve something significant just to ourselves?

My first climbing competition