I began seeing a man. From the very beginning on I knew I would loose him but I still went for it. It had been some years since I had felt that strongly for anyone; with him I laughed at silliest little things, walked aimlessly in forests, woke up during nights to give hugs... Even though we spent lots of time together I was always looking forward to seeing him again. His every message made me smile. Then I lost him. Now that the loss is reality, not just some to-come day, do I still think I made a wise choice deciding to see this till the inevitable end?
Based on past similar experiences, I presumed I would be miserable; seeing joy at nothing, believing at no further romances and acting very martyr-like. Yes, I am crying even when writing this text, but I am not desperate. By acknowledging this feeling of sadness, rather than trying to deny it, I kind of accept it. Life is composed of both happiness and sorrow, which makes it interesting. Whilst in contrary, not daring to be exposed to any feelings makes life dull.
It is often perceived that only long-lasting relationships are valuable. I disagree. If I am happy with someone at this very precise moment, without knowing how many more moments I will spend with him, does it make this one less happy? I doubt so, but it might make me appreciate this specific moment even more because I am not anticipating any future moments with him (with more beautiful surroundings, more time, more made promises) but this might be the best one. I am forced to live in the present because future may not come.
At first thought it seems logical that in order to love you must be loved in return - exclusively by the same person you love. But whether he loves me or not, deep in down it does not change my immediate feelings for him. Nevertheless I am capable of loving, and the feeling itself is more important than its target or outcome. At the end, when he no longer loves me, I still have my beautiful memories that he or no one else can take away. Right now those memories are still fresh in my mind, partly painful because they are already past but mostly enjoyable because they happened.
It always seems that when I get sad about something, the universe starts sending reminders of other good things. It forces me to see the beauty, kindness and success still surrounding me. It can be a polite gentleman picking up my lost scarf at the airport, seeing a sunrise with all colors through a bus window, randomly finding a new touching song... I still do not know if those things really increase in frequency or if I am more receptive to noticing them. Anyways they draw me from wasting my precious days in this world without noticing all the good in it.
Why cannot I be happy because I got exactly what I wanted? Why must I sit here, crying and writing about positive sides about sadness? When is it time for me to be able to count to be loved in return?
I just read somewhere about secondary emotions. Secondary emotion is e.g. feeling anxious about feeling sad. If you just accept the primary feeling that you are sad and deal with it, you are happier than if you try to deny the sadness and feel anxious about it for a long time. Which is very common. So, you are doing really well, good job!
ReplyDeleteRegarding the last question - I read also that a lot of people's anxiety is caused by thoughts about the future, which is unnecessary anxiety, because those things we fear about and worry about often don't even happen. That was eye-opening to me since I worry so much about most idiotic things that might happen (and most probably never do happen). I can't yet do it myself, not worry about future, but it's easy to say to you not to worry whether it's sooner or later that you'll again be loved in return, because it's probably sooner. :)
I totally agree that we worry too much about being sad, both in the present time and in the future. If we just could accept that sadness belongs to life and unhappy moments keep coming and going, we would face them upfront without those secondary anxiety feelings and stop worrying about them already beforehand. My friend said quite wisely that we need not waste our time worrying about foreseen troubles already now, because when/if we actually face them we will have plenty of time to worry then. And like you said, most of our fears never even come true.
ReplyDeleteI read that this worrying is partly caused by wanting to control life. We want it to go in certain ways that we determine ourselves, and we worry that it will not go as planned. But life is full of unexpected things – but positive and negative – and we can never gain full control over it. So if we accept that, we can be more at ease. Here’s a quote from FB: Relax; nothing is under control :)