Two years ago I wrote about my Vipassana meditation camp experience. Many people read the post about personal growth through mental and physical suffering and concluded that I do not recommend meditation. However, in the contrary, I have been meditating almost daily since the camp and gain lots of benefits from it. I even went to another meditation camp this spring. I entered the 3-day review course with a relaxed attitude, thinking that I was already an expert and expecting a peaceful time. It turned out I could not focus at all and I was only motivated about sleeping and eating, which both are very constrained at the camps. This time my inner battle was about having had false expectations, or more correctly, about having had any expectations at all. One should always face a situation, no matter how familiar, without expectations shaped by own past or others' stories.
As opposed to my good meditation sessions at home, where I feel voluntary and free, at the camp I felt again the pressure of performing strict schedules. I decided to walk out a day early. I realized that for me meditation is about being kind to myself, practicing it according to my own mood, and accepting that I cannot do it perfectly. Usually I try to meditate for 10-30 min in the morning before I get out of bed, which is a good start to the day. At the beginning of a meditation session I often have a million thoughts in my head and I tend to follow them, or I feel emotions - stress, sadness, excitement - in a profound way. As I keep focusing on my breathing, the thoughts and emotions get quieter, and I feel still and pleasant. It feels like the voice in my head has calmed down and lets me focus on the present moment, and the good feeling stays also after the session. During meditation I also get random flashbacks from long ago, about things I have not remembered for years. I think they get through because my current thoughts are not blocking them.
I know there are scientific studies about how meditation affects brains, but since I have not read them, I write just about my experiences. I am currently going through a life phase that is perfect for testing the philosophy of living in the moment. For a prolonged time I have been in complete uncertainty about my work, flat and even country of future residence. I feel often stressed, annoyed and lonely in the situation. It is hard to focus on what I am doing at the moment - on the work task, the climbing route, the discussion - when different scenarios and decisions about the future are occupying my mind. I have basically two simultaneous coping mechanisms: keep repeating positive facts to myself and face my feelings (also negative ones) through meditation. I do not know which one is better, and whether they are complimentary or contradicting.
The main fact is that life is always unpredictable. One may feel a (false) sense of security when she has a permanent job, a house and a relationship. However, an accident, illness or death can change everything tomorrow. Possessions, people and plans can be lost in a second. Control over life is just an illusion. This is what I keep telling myself. I also remind myself of previous times, when I was traveling somewhere beautiful but worried about finding my next job, and each time for no reason as I always ended up successful. Looking back, I wish I had had more trust in the future working out itself. I can have that now. I can trust that things will be fine, even though I have no idea what I will do next month.
Repeating all that helps to some extent, but it remains on the surface of intellectual reasoning. It feels like I am plastering positive thoughts over underlying uneasiness that anyhow exists. When I have time to meditate, I face heads on my feelings of uncertainty and anxiousness, that somehow diminish at the point of accepting them. There are short moments, when I do not only understand but also internalize the unpredictability of future. Then I feel calm and content about living in the present and just observing as the future keeps revealing itself moment by moment.
Earlier I wrote a post about my mental goal, Freedom of Mind, and I think meditation is a tool towards realizing it. I cannot really explain it, but through meditation I have become at least a little bit more free from overwhelming feelings and fears about future suffering. Before, when something amazing or upsetting happened, I kept over-analyzing the situation and its impacts, until it occupied my whole mind. Now I can easier let go, not just by forcing my thoughts to go elsewhere, but by actually accepting that it just happened so. I no longer try to make sense of everything, firstly because it is simply impossible, but also because it does not really bring me anything. And I have a new goal; to learn yoga to further understand the link of body and mind. Maybe next month I will attend a yoga camp, maybe not, it is to be seen as it comes.
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| Exchanging meditation to beer and climbing magazines in the sun |
I know there are scientific studies about how meditation affects brains, but since I have not read them, I write just about my experiences. I am currently going through a life phase that is perfect for testing the philosophy of living in the moment. For a prolonged time I have been in complete uncertainty about my work, flat and even country of future residence. I feel often stressed, annoyed and lonely in the situation. It is hard to focus on what I am doing at the moment - on the work task, the climbing route, the discussion - when different scenarios and decisions about the future are occupying my mind. I have basically two simultaneous coping mechanisms: keep repeating positive facts to myself and face my feelings (also negative ones) through meditation. I do not know which one is better, and whether they are complimentary or contradicting.
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| Focused on the quickdraw |
Repeating all that helps to some extent, but it remains on the surface of intellectual reasoning. It feels like I am plastering positive thoughts over underlying uneasiness that anyhow exists. When I have time to meditate, I face heads on my feelings of uncertainty and anxiousness, that somehow diminish at the point of accepting them. There are short moments, when I do not only understand but also internalize the unpredictability of future. Then I feel calm and content about living in the present and just observing as the future keeps revealing itself moment by moment.
Earlier I wrote a post about my mental goal, Freedom of Mind, and I think meditation is a tool towards realizing it. I cannot really explain it, but through meditation I have become at least a little bit more free from overwhelming feelings and fears about future suffering. Before, when something amazing or upsetting happened, I kept over-analyzing the situation and its impacts, until it occupied my whole mind. Now I can easier let go, not just by forcing my thoughts to go elsewhere, but by actually accepting that it just happened so. I no longer try to make sense of everything, firstly because it is simply impossible, but also because it does not really bring me anything. And I have a new goal; to learn yoga to further understand the link of body and mind. Maybe next month I will attend a yoga camp, maybe not, it is to be seen as it comes.
