September 2026
Having or not having children is life defining. There is no compromise or going back. Those wanting children and getting them are lucky. Those not wanting children and not getting them are lucky. Unfortunately I have been wanting a child but not getting one. As an attempt to process the issue, I wrote about my first IVF in Albania. (And I got several messages from friends and acquaintances, wanting to share their experiences and opinions. Writing about such a half-taboo issue is welcomed by many.)
As a recap to today's topic, let's summarize what happened after that failed Albania IVF in 2023. It was supposed to be my only attempt at getting pregnant; that I had firmly decided already before starting the whole process. I spent 2024 and the first half of 2025 looking into adoption and full-time fostering. For me, parenting is not about genetics but about having a life together. It felt like a beautiful idea, being matched with an existing child, also looking for a family like me. Unfortunately I came to a dead end, as both adoption and full-time fostering are practically impossible for single people in Switzerland. However, in the process I got a wonderful part-time foster boy, who spends every second weekend with me. With him I have gotten to experience how fulfilling it is to follow him grow and teach him things. But also the other way around, building a relationship with him has taught me so much. I have also gotten to test how it is like having zero quiet minute for myself, enduring repetitive car play and keeping calm at a melt-down after not getting an ice cream. Seeing how deeply he loves his mother and wanting to experience that, too, led me to turn around.
I went for another IVF attempt in Greece in late 2025. Again preparation diagnostics, over-healthy lifestyle, egg stimulation injections, hope, repeated flights to Athens (climate matters when it matters). It looked really promising, until everything came crashing down when I was told all 5 created embryos PGT-A tested genetically abnormal and were discharged. I spent the following weeks literally laying on my living room floor and crying. At that point, I had spent 3 years believing that a child would bring me happiness, while a childless life would be something I would have to accept as having no other choice. I started therapy to deal with the life crisis, however ended up covering mainly other topics. I had been kind of obsessed with getting a child, similarly to how I used to believe that a marriage would be the key to happiness. Quite a lot of pressure put on an existing or non-existing person, right? Like my own happiness would not be in my own hands. It is hard to describe, but somehow I had been over-pushing, first for a partner and then for a child. This over-idealizing and over-pushing has never brought me what I have wanted. Even as teenager when my obsessive dream was to be a good synchronized skater, I kept failing until I opened my life to other sources of fulfillment, and only then I managed to compete in a team (although at a lower level).
Easter time 2026 I returned to Greece to do a donor embryo transfer. (How I came to change my mind about the morality of donor embryos would be worth another post.) This time my chances to succeed were high. Before I knew whether I was pregnant or not, I took a bus from Greece to Albania for a few days of holiday. I went to the compound of my original IVF clinic in Tirana and sat in a cafe outside of it for a couple of hours, looking at patients going in a out, feeling the clinic's energy. I had dreaded going back to where the dream had started, as I thought it may be triggering. But instead I felt empowered; the doctor, the nurses and the embryologist had done their uttermost best to help me. All those visits had been filled with hope. Without the clinic, I would not have gotten a shot to try to realize my dream or motherhood. When I returned home the pregnancy test was negative. Of course I was sad, but I did not crash down. I just simply wanted to enjoy life. I enjoyed going running, having drinks with my friends, completing interesting work tasks. I just enjoyed life.
For the first time, slowly, I have started feeling childless life as an equally exciting option. Of course, I have told myself numerous times that it is well possible to be happy also without children, but knowing and feeling are two different things. Not having a materialized alternative life is not helping. My current life has nothing to complain about, but it is quite flat and lacking a passion like climbing used to be. (I wrote about it, too. Must be mid-life crisis, as I am not the only one in my friends circle feeling the same way.) In a way, having a child would be an easily defined life purpose for the next few decades. It would certainly bring along enough change and challenges. On the contrast, creating a purposeful childless life requires more creativity on finding out what will drive me going into the future. If I have learned anything, it is that obsessing and pushing do not work. So I enjoy the small things right now - sleeping peacefully, jumping into the river when it is too hot, drinking a cappuccino - until the next life project, whatever it will be, shows up. I have re-created my life once before, around 10 years ago when I knew I wanted something different but not exactly what. (Wrote about that, too.) If I have done it once, I can do it again. I am actually pretty excited about what is to come.
There is still one more available donor embryo in Greece. I have not decided yet, whether I want to try to transfer it or not. Either I go for one last try or save the 4000EUR and use it on luxus train trips and sports courses that I would not do otherwise. I feel calm, as both options are fine. I no longer have to make a decision out of desperation. I'm convinced that when I am 60, 70, 80, I can look back and say I truly tried my best when I was 40, no need to regret anything. Child or no child, my life is fine.
October 2026
I went for that last donor embryo transfer. I had a lovely weekend in Athens, calmly saying goodbye to the IVF clinic and my favorite spots in the city. I felt I was finally closing that chapter in my life, peacefully, not because I could not try anymore but because I do not want to. I even bought a beautiful designer water pot as a souvenir of my IVF journey (an idea from ChatGPT, what else). Two weeks later, on a Monday morning I saw two lines in the pregnancy test! It felt like a dream fulfillment meant to be; I had stopped over-pushing on my very last attempt, and it worked out! However, some nights I woke up thinking whether I had gone too far in realizing my dream. I would be an old single mother, earning just one income, and bringing into this world a person that wouldn't get to know her/his genetic origins. But each morning I felt reassured; what would happen would be the right thing.
I got to enjoy 4 weeks of being pregnant. I googled the embryo's weekly development, dug out my old name ideas and proudly shopped pregnancy-safe items. At the same time, I was surprised at how little I thought about the pregnancy. During the 4 years of trying to conceive I had always imagined that being pregnant would make everything else meaningless. Instead I still lost myself in interesting conversations and got annoyed when practical things went wrong (like when I accidently took a wrong train and ended up touring around for additional 6 hours). Although I had been extremely cautious, knowing how fragile early pregnancies are, I went to my 8 week scan happily waiting to see my embryo's heartbeat. Instead I saw its empty place. The embryo itself had died weeks ago.
Now, almost a week later, I am burning candles in the memory of a 2mm big blob of cells. And in the memory of my big dream of having a baby. I am crying, but I am also so bored of this. Always negative tests and dead embryos, like there was nothing else sad in this life. At least now I am done with this, I never have to try again, and my next drama will be something different.
Photos from Athens. I grew to like the city during my 5 IVF trips there.
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