Me and climbing

I did my first outdoor lead climbs almost 6 years ago in Nam Pha Pay Ai, Thailand, at the start of my first travels (read Nam Pha Pay Ai). Since then climbing has more or less been my passion. Climbing is an amazing sport, where one has to be strong both physically and mentally. It requires power, balance, coordination, tactics, focus and determination. It is maybe the world's best feeling to climb confidently; staying fully in the moment, executing precise movement and giving your everything to the route. Not only has climbing made me stronger (before I could not do even one single pull-up), but it has taught me how to overcome fear - face it heads on! - and how to embrace the learning process, taking each lesson as it comes (read Climbing: fear of falling) . Through climbing I have learned so much that is also applicable to other areas of life.

Thailand

Thailand

Climbing has not only been my hobby, but also my main lifestyle. I have traveled around the world to explore different climbing areas, and visited places I otherwise would have never discovered (read Home at Green Climbers, Notes about China, Climbing - what a great excuse, Home sweet home in Berdorf, Disaster climbing trip). Through climbing I have gotten to know people living in alternative ways; priorizing freedom and experiences over stability and wealth. I am pretty convinced that without their example I would not have had the courage to pursue a new, more inspiring career. Almost all my closest friends are from climbing, and being located all over, we meet up regularly in climbing destinations to spend quality time together. Then there is the great climbing community, or at least two climbing communities. The first one is traveling climbers, touring around prime areas, to whom you keep bumping into from one year to another. The second one is the local gym crew, that occupies nearby crags at weekends. Both communities have brought me a sense of belonging over the past years.

China

Philippines

It is hard to imagine my life without climbing. It has been my identity for so long. During unemployment I saved money by being a dirtbag climber (read The sparing lifestyle of a traveler). I quit partying (for most of the time) in order to have productive climbing days. I even picked my country of living because there is lots of climbing around. Of course there are also other important and interesting things, but climbing has been the focus of my free time already for years. I have missed cool art exhibitions and street fests because after work I have gone to the gym to hang from the fingerboard. I have not seen much of the impressive mountains and cute villages of my new home country, because at weekends I have visited my project routes (of which I have not sent any) at the crags.

Switzerland

During my last travels I climbed more consistently than ever and enjoyed it a lot. Then came Corona, locking me home for a few months, unable to train climbing. During that time I started to do other things, like yoga, reading and exploring the neighborhood. Although everything was closed down, somehow I found new interests. Or I finally had time to do things that had already earlier interested me. After gyms opened again and people returned to crags, I kept finding excuses to not to get back into climbing shape just yet. I went outdoor climbing once in a while but climbed badly; I was scared of falling and did not want to do strenuous moves anyways.

Spain

This past weekend I was climbing at my favorite crag with lots of pockets on slightly overhang endurance climbs. I ended up projecting my last year's warm-up. The grade I climb has stopped mattering to me already a long time ago (as I have no talent to be a good climber), but I enjoy the personal progress and accessing new cool routes as I keep improving. However, what hit me the most, was the realization that I had not really had fun climbing since my travels. I had just climbed because I had to. I spent the night on my own at a campsite and thought a lot about climbing; what it means to me right now and what I want to do with it in the near future.

Switzerland

Greece

A part of me totally resisted the idea of admitting that I am not motivated to climb anymore. I pictured myself unfit and fat (not a joke!) and got scared of loosing my friendships. Quitting climbing would definitely distance me from some people, but probably in the end it would be an interesting experiment to find out who I am truly friends with. At the same time another part of me was overly excited about having time for other interests. Already for months I had looked at friends' mountaineering photos and envied them for accessing such stunning, scary and unique places. I also want to explore the mountains; by hiking, learning to ski and taking some easy alpine courses. I thought about attending yoga retreats, studying German grammar (yes, very exciting), going on bike rides, learning photography, dating guys from Tinder, doing voluntary work, visiting museums, attending interesting lectures and what not... Surely just by quitting climbing, whilst working 100% (I am gonna get my 80% contract, but that is another topic), I would not miraculously gain time for all of that. But surely I would have time to pursue at least a few new interesting things.

Greece

In the end I concluded that I need not be over dramatic. I am not going to sell all my gear and announce that I am no climber anymore. Since I have my climbing gym membership I will keep training indoors, as it is an efficient workout and the home gym is dear to me. However, for the time being I will not climb outdoors. I will engage in activities and learn skills that I am more curious about. I feel that climbing has taught me a lot over the years, but from now on additional learning would be marginal. I have more learning potential through other things. And above all, what I do during my free time should be fun at the moment. That being said, no one knows about the future. Maybe already this winter I will be super motivated again and crush some rad climbs. But until then, I am looking forward to something different...

(Oh man, so many climbing photos of me. I feel totally self-centered posting all of them. But in the end, the topic of this post is me and climbing.)

About resistance and acceptance

I sit by the sea, admiring its waves as they hit the rocky ground. My travels are coming to an end, and spending the last days on my own in a small surfing village feels like the right thing to do.

" There is an ebb and flow to life. People and situations wash upon the shores of our lives. The mighty pressures of the water gently sculpt and shape us. The tides of change have great purpose in our lives. When it is time, the waters recede and sometimes carry things away; even things we love. The tides, while powerful, can move in our lives so gently, if we allow. If you resist the awesome tidal forces of life you are going to hurt yourself. There are some things, people and experiences you cannot have or change. When the waters of life move upon you; do not struggle — give-in and let go. Be still and let the waters flow around you. Let the ancient precession of tides cut a beautiful shoreline in your heart. "
~ Bryant McGill

The difference between this trip and my previous ones is that I did not really want to do this one. I would have preferred to stay building my settled life in Switzerland, but unfortunately my only feasible financial option was to relocate when my work contract ended four months ago. So I did what I was already familiar with; I once again became a digital nomading dirtbag climber and headed out to cheap countries. I had nothing against exchanging the gloomy Swiss winter to warm, sunny climates, and I was psyched to climb at some of the world's best venues. But I felt resistant towards continuously changing places and people, and their seemingly purposelessness. I had worked hard to gain professional relevance, learn the language and build friendships in Zürich, in order to make it my home, and I did not want to take a break from it. Anyways, away I went, and (after a short Balkans detour) ended up in Spain and Morocco.

I felt that given all my efforts I was entitled to success (=financial security brought by an inspiring job) and I saw being on the road almost as a failure. I felt irritated when people commented on me being lucky with my travelling lifestyle. I think they only saw the upside of it, the freedom, not the loneliness and doubtfulness brought by uncertainty about near future. I was living off my savings, with no plausible plan for income generation. I tried my best to live in the moment and trust that whatever future brings along is alright, but I still did not completely accept the state of my life. I kept pushing to apply for jobs in Switzerland, with the mindset that only returning to Zürich would be a good outcome. I was fixated on the end result and not fully embracing the journey of trying and learning. Actually I was resistant towards everything not fitting to my plans and pleasings: rainy weather, short encounters with travelers, not projecting hard climbs, carrying heavy backpacks, non-focused meditation sessions... The harder I tried to get exactly what I wanted, the harder I was hitting my head on the wall.

Do not get me wrong, I was not in a crumby mood. I had a ton of fun exploring new climbing areas, partying at random street fests and tapas bars, admiring varying landscapes and trying out local cuisines. I was just a bit sleepless with over-thinking and urgent with decision making. But as the travels kept progressing, I faced valuable experiences: the second best romance of my life, strengthening relationships with visiting old friends, lessons learned through altering group dynamics, and finally, meeting new people and rediscovering the depth even short encounters can deliver. What I had feared I would most lack during traveling - having meaningful people around me - ended up being the highlight of the journey.

" I know you are working hard towards your goals, but do not force them. You get what you get. If you accept each situation as it is, your life is easier. "
~ A fellow traveler (who I knew for 4 days)

As the sun sets and surfers return from the water, I am ready to join them for a dinner and chats. Who knows what will still happen here at the beachfront before I fly to visit Switzerland in a few days time. Even though my travels are ending in the sense that I am returning to a more structured schedule, I am actually still in the same limbo of uncertainty. Apart from spending the next month studying German, I have no plans, and no idea what will happen to me. But I feel more accepting towards what I have; the flexibility of choosing between different options, the freedom to move around and the adventure of unknown. I will keep reaching towards my goals, but hopefully in a more relaxed manner - enjoying the learning, not forcing the outcome.

My 2020 goals

To begin with, I am not entirely sure what I think about goal setting. Naturally goals are needed in institutional settings, such as in businesses and governments, but personal goals can be either constructive or disruptive. On one hand, they can provide structure; clarity and focus on what one wants in order to be satisfied. On the other hand, too strict goals can prevent one from seeing opportunities outside of their scope, or failing to reach these goals can result in disappointment.

There are people who are driven by tackling challenges and turning difficult into easy. It is not so much about the end result – since achieving one goal just makes space for new ones – but about the journey getting there. I definitely enjoy the process of working hard to learn a new skill or acquire new knowledge, and step by step getting closer to mastering it.

I am trying to follow a philosophy of living in the now and accepting each event as it is. Therefore making plans – defining which outcome is preferable to another one – contradicts with my life view. I guess I can still set myself goals but stay careful about getting attached to them. I can work towards something with the mindset that each outcome - be it success or failure - is equally alright. Instead of defining very quantitative, limiting goals, I can come up with directive ones that can be altered according to circumstances.

Unless something dramatic, like an injury or illness happens, I would like to lead my life towards below goals:

#1 Settle down (in Switzerland)

During the past 20 years I have lived in 7 different countries and done long travels all around. It has been awesome and I am eternally grateful for the opportunities to experience a lot while following my dreams. However, now I am done being a nomad. I want to build myself a home base, from where to go exploring and where to return to.

I have lived in Switzerland for a year and for the first time I feel like I have found a country I want to call home. Switzerland is greatly located in the heart of Europe, it offers prospective job opportunities and its mountainous landscape is simply stunning. Surely it is also hell expensive and making local friends takes ages, but those obstacles can be overcome with adaptation and persistence. I want to integrate in to the Swiss life and get a nice home, a motivating job and good friends.

(Right now I am dirtbagging in Spain to save money until I find my next job. Sure this is fun as always, but I am a bit tired of people constantly coming and going. I am also missing meaningful activities apart from climbing. Being a traveler no longer feels as thrilling as it did some years ago.)

Disclaimer: I am also open to settling down elsewhere, if I for example get a dream job or fall in love with someone, that needs following.

#2 Grow professionally (among international development)

I graduated from university 10 years ago, and ended up in the IT sector. I learned a lot in many different functions, but it was never my passion. During the past years I have worked hard to break into the field of international development, that is damn competitive, interesting and purposeful. I enjoy working with people who are motivated, opinioned and tolerant, driven by impact instead of money.

I have half accidentally acquired niche knowledge in carbon finance. Next I want to broaden my expertise to inclusive business models, sustainable agriculture and fair value chains. I know that I cannot save the world, but improving lives of some people through providing them means to do it themselves would be meaningful to me. I would like to continue working with projects located in poor rural areas in developing countries. There are many NGOs and for-purpose companies offering interesting work opportunities, and I really hope I will get a job soon.

Disclaimer: If I do not get an international development job, but still prioritize living in Switzerland, I am okey with working at a climbing gym, an outdoor store or even a cafe until I get a job I really want.

#3 Climb better (send 7Bs)

I properly started outdoor climbing 5 years ago in Thailand, at the beginning of my first long travels. I sent my first 7B route 2 years ago but have not sent any more since then. I keep trying to improve in climbing but have plateaued at my current level. I know I have what it takes to be a better climber, but I have no idea how to get there. In order to avoid getting frustrated always climbing at the same level, I have set myself qualitative goals alongside grade goals.

I want to become a skilled climber with precise footwork, balanced movement and dynamic style. Climbing efficiently and confidently, not avoiding run-outs, finding rest spots and trying until falling off also belong to my goal list. I usually do not send my project routes because I cannot solve their cruxes. I want to learn to come up with optimal beta (or listen to advice about it) and memorize it rapidly. Also having the right mindset is important, so staying positive, focused and calm will help me not only in climbing better but also in fully enjoying it.

Disclaimer: I may compromise on the 7B grade goal. If I end up traveling for a longer time without training facilities and/or partners willing to project, I might have to stick to skills improvement and having fun.

#4 Learn German (Swiss German)

As a kid I learned German at school, but I never used it in real life. When I moved to Switzerland I decided that I want to learn the local language. I put lots of effort into speaking as much German as possible, often at the cost of not being able to properly express myself by engaging in deep conversations. Little by little the commitment has paid off and now I can handle most situations in German.

However, German is not Swiss German. I still need to ask people to speak to me in German, as I do not understand anything in Swiss German. I do not care how I speak myself, but I want to learn to understand Swiss German. I also want to learn to write professional documents with proper grammar and vocabulary. In a nutshell, I want to make (Swiss) German my primary language in Switzerland.

Disclaimer: There is none. Of all my to-be-achieved things during the past years, I have gotten furthest with German. I have truly enjoyed the improvement, and I am looking forward to returning to Switzerland to keep learning more.

I acknowledge that these goals can be set either for the year 2020 or the decade 2020. I do not want to explicitly specify which one I mean, but rather the first couple of years than all of them. To be honest, this big year change does not mean much to me, as tracking time is just an agreement for convenience, but it has provided this incentive to write down my main goals. Now, let's see what actually happens...

How to avoid a disaster climbing trip

I was planning a 10 week long climbing trip. I had two options: Spain or the Balkans. Since I had already spent a lot of time in Spain, I picked the exciting Balkans. I was not only fascinated by the cool looking crags off the beaten track, but also by the history, culture and re-emergence of those Eastern European countries. I was so excited about visiting them that I acted against all common sense in my trip planning and execution.

As I am writing this, I am sitting alone in a hostel. I feel myself out of shape and lazy. I have not done any proper sport for ages and the lack of exercise endorphins is killing me. I have been on this "climbing" trip for almost two weeks. I have climbed once and that was not even in the Balkans. So what went wrong? Could we learn from this?

Tip 1: Climbing partners

I decided to head east based on one single person, who I had met at a climbers' Facebook group. I traveled three long days in buses (then I was still aiming to minimize my travel carbon footprint) to reach Banja Luka, Bosnia. I met my climbing partner there and went out of my way to help him in buying a car. During the money and registration process we waited in cold and rain, killing time by going to the movies (that cost only 2eur!), walking around the town and sitting in cafes. When we finally got the car and drove to Split, Croatia, we fell out in an argument about what to do (wanting to stay in a rainy city vs. wanting to drive for 14 hours to access a possibly dry crag).

Banja Luka

Absurdly I had planned a long trip with someone I did not know at all. We had not spoken about our expectations towards climbing, loyalty, decision making or sharing. Naturally there was lots of pressure to make the trip succeed, as we both had invested so much in it. There was no relaxed ground to get to know each other. To make matters worse, I had known it is off season in the Balkans, thus there are no other traveling climbers around to whom I could reach out to if needed. Do not do that. Or if you do, at least make sure you can relocate without unreasonable amount of time and money.

Tip 2: Weather

The trip was going to take place in November and December, which I knew were already cold and rainy months in the Balkans. I had even googled the months' average temperatures and rain levels from Croatia to Greece, and they did not look promising. So I packed my thickest down jacket and warmest sleeping bag, somehow hoping that there would be dry and sunny climbing spots, against all the odds. Despite having seeing pure weather fact, I was imagining the beautiful pictures I had seen in magazines.

Storm in Split

Reality hit us. Off season is off season for a reason. It was almost heart breaking flipping through guide books with one amazing crag after another, knowing that they would be dripping wet or at least in shivering fog. We spent hours researching weather forecasts that were inaccurate, contradicting and just simply said depressing. Please, respect suitable climbing seasons if you want to avoid frustration, zigzagging between locations and replacing real rock with gyms.

After a few sleepless nights, failed attempts to solve the conflict with my climbing partner and last weather forecast checks, I booked a flight to Spain (despite the carbon footprint). Spain is the most reliable winter climbing destination in Europe and there are many climbers' hostels where to meet partners. I feel somewhat sad and defeated, but I have learned my lesson: Be psyched and search for adventures, but stay sensible.

PS. I have redefined some meanings. Before I thought that a failed climbing trip was a trip where I climbed like shit. Now I think that a failed climbing trip is one where I do not climb at all. 

Benefits of meditation

Two years ago I wrote about my Vipassana meditation camp experience. Many people read the post about personal growth through mental and physical suffering and concluded that I do not recommend meditation. However, in the contrary, I have been meditating almost daily since the camp and gain lots of benefits from it. I even went to another meditation camp this spring. I entered the 3-day review course with a relaxed attitude, thinking that I was already an expert and expecting a peaceful time. It turned out I could not focus at all and I was only motivated about sleeping and eating, which both are very constrained at the camps. This time my inner battle was about having had false expectations, or more correctly, about having had any expectations at all. One should always face a situation, no matter how familiar, without expectations shaped by own past or others' stories.

Exchanging meditation to beer and climbing magazines in the sun

As opposed to my good meditation sessions at home, where I feel voluntary and free, at the camp I felt again the pressure of performing strict schedules. I decided to walk out a day early. I realized that for me meditation is about being kind to myself, practicing it according to my own mood, and accepting that I cannot do it perfectly. Usually I try to meditate for 10-30 min in the morning before I get out of bed, which is a good start to the day. At the beginning of a meditation session I often have a million thoughts in my head and I tend to follow them, or I feel emotions - stress, sadness, excitement - in a profound way. As I keep focusing on my breathing, the thoughts and emotions get quieter, and I feel still and pleasant. It feels like the voice in my head has calmed down and lets me focus on the present moment, and the good feeling stays also after the session. During meditation I also get random flashbacks from long ago, about things I have not remembered for years. I think they get through because my current thoughts are not blocking them.

I know there are scientific studies about how meditation affects brains, but since I have not read them, I write just about my experiences. I am currently going through a life phase that is perfect for testing the philosophy of living in the moment. For a prolonged time I have been in complete uncertainty about my work, flat and even country of future residence. I feel often stressed, annoyed and lonely in the situation. It is hard to focus on what I am doing at the moment - on the work task, the climbing route, the discussion - when different scenarios and decisions about the future are occupying my mind. I have basically two simultaneous coping mechanisms: keep repeating positive facts to myself and face my feelings (also negative ones) through meditation. I do not know which one is better, and whether they are complimentary or contradicting.

Focused on the quickdraw

The main fact is that life is always unpredictable. One may feel a (false) sense of security when she has a permanent job, a house and a relationship. However, an accident, illness or death can change everything tomorrow. Possessions, people and plans can be lost in a second. Control over life is just an illusion. This is what I keep telling myself. I also remind myself of previous times, when I was traveling somewhere beautiful but worried about finding my next job, and each time for no reason as I always ended up successful. Looking back, I wish I had had more trust in the future working out itself. I can have that now. I can trust that things will be fine, even though I have no idea what I will do next month.

Repeating all that helps to some extent, but it remains on the surface of intellectual reasoning. It feels like I am plastering positive thoughts over underlying uneasiness that anyhow exists. When I have time to meditate, I face heads on my feelings of uncertainty and anxiousness, that somehow diminish at the point of accepting them. There are short moments, when I do not only understand but also internalize the unpredictability of future. Then I feel calm and content about living in the present and just observing as the future keeps revealing itself moment by moment.

Earlier I wrote a post about my mental goal, Freedom of Mind, and I think meditation is a tool towards realizing it. I cannot really explain it, but through meditation I have become at least a little bit more free from overwhelming feelings and fears about future suffering. Before, when something amazing or upsetting happened, I kept over-analyzing the situation and its impacts, until it occupied my whole mind. Now I can easier let go, not just by forcing my thoughts to go elsewhere, but by actually accepting that it just happened so. I no longer try to make sense of everything, firstly because it is simply impossible, but also because it does not really bring me anything. And I have a new goal; to learn yoga to further understand the link of body and mind. Maybe next month I will attend a yoga camp, maybe not, it is to be seen as it comes. 

The sparing lifestyle of a traveler

As usually, let's start with a definition: Going on a holiday and traveling are two different things. When one goes on a holiday, it is usually for a short period of time taken off from work. During traveling, one seldom knows for how long the trip will last and when s/he will be earning money again. This is an important factor in the traveler's mindset for budgeting and spending, both time and money wise. Some holiday-goers do not acknowledge this difference but think that travelers live like them on their trips, where they constantly pick most convinient options and treat themselves to luxuries. In this post I would like to explain about the monetary and time aspects of the traveling lifestyle, often called dirtbagging.

Sleeping at a random train station in India

During my travels I have either lived off my savings or worked as a digital nomand, in either case with a constrained budget. The key consideration is simply: The longer my money lasts, the longer I can keep traveling. As I usually travel for climbing, which is a free activity as opposed to sightseeing, shopping and bar hopping, my biggest two expenditures are logistics are lodging. Once I buy long-haul flights to another continent I stay there for several months, and locally I travel like locals, usually meaning over-crowded busses stopping at every village. Here the time aspect intertwines with the money aspect. Since I am on the way for months, I need not stress about loosing a couple of days on bus waiting, repair (crappy ones tend to break down) and spontanous retouring. Besides, these bus trips are great glimpses into local communities' lives! How in Uganda busses are not only for people but also for chickens, goats and any imaginable small animals, and how in Cambodia passengers enjoy watching local music videos (the corniest love stories I have ever seen) at bad quality on a tiny screen. There is no doubt that crossing India on a 30-hour-long train journey is way more memorable than flying, in addition to costing a fraction of it.

12 hour bus trip to South Tibet

Finding the right matatu in Uganda

While most holiday-goers expect beautiful rooms and extensive service in their hotels, and base their choices on online reviews, a dirtbag often tirelessly walks around to visit several hostels to negotiate for best on-spot prices. A price difference of a few euros is already a decision making factor. Even though I have spent weeks in rooms with paper thin walls, loud fans and cold showers, I cannot tolerate dirtiness or insects. I also want to feel safe, both sleeping at night and leaving my laptop at day. Hand in hand with accommodation comes eating. Local meals in Asia are Africa are cheap, but what costs is drinking. A proper coffee can cost more than a dinner. That is why I appreciate hostels with water boilers for the use of my own aeropress, or flexible restaurant workers who do not mind bringing me hot water and watching me entertain other guests with the (sometimes not so clean) coffee making process. Beer is naturally an unnecessity but it simply tastes so good after a climbing day, especially when consumed with a good crew. I must admit, that although I can resist buying fancy cocktails when meeting up with vacationing friends, I still drink beer on my travels.

Hot pot in Hong Kong

Breakfast in the Philippines

As one can already read between the lines, traveling cheaply requires preparation, self discipline and tolerance. It often takes time and skill to locate the cheapest options. For example, buying Thai train tickets directly at (often complicated) local websites avoids one paying provisions to service providers. Being able to figure such things out makes one feel smart and accomplished (in a life phase otherwise involving few intellectual challenges). So, a common misconception of dirtbags is that they do not care about money. I have never spent as much time talking about prices as I have done with fellow travelers. To some traveling cheaply becomes a game, a solemn goal rather than an enabler, in which one can excell to nearly over doing it. I have been left behind by a traveller friend, who found a cheap train only for himself and did not want to take a slightly more expensive bus in order to stick with me. Such people are happy to accept hospitability from locals and fellows, but reluctant to share anything of theirs. I must admit that towards the end of my last travels I was also in danger of becoming money-selfish.

Between travels I have lived normal working city life. Just like getting used to dirtbagging, returning to normality takes some adjusting. People may not understand you wanting to walk a few tram stops in order to avoid buying a ticket, or they look weirdly at you when you wrap side bread into a napkin to take it home (although I still do it for food waste reasons). However, having been a traveler has taught me to lead a sparing lifestyle also while working. Instead of eating in restaurants I invite friends over for a self-cooked dinner, I climb only at the gym where I have a membership and most importantly, I buy only what I really need (when it is on sale). After having managed a year of backpacking with only a couple of t-shirts and shorts, a too large wardrobe makes me confused. And in general, I have learned that I do not need to surround myself with things in order to feel satisfied. When I do not do it all the time, a cappucino in a cosy cafe or a new work outfit actually feels special rather than normal.

Irish coffee in the Netherlands

Cheap beers in Switzerland

Now I have lived in Zürich, one of the world's most expensive cities, for a year and half (with 4 months of travelling in between) and I am surely swissifying myself. Things that I previously left on the self, I consider "a deal" nowadays. I guess it is justified to live according to my current surroundings, to some standard. I spend most of my time working in the office (luckily in a job I really like) so I feel that I am entitled to living in a nice flat, buying quality groceries and once in a while going out. Also, because I spend a lot of time at work, I have less time for deal searching, inefficient travel connections and do-it-yourself solutions. However, at heart I am still a traveler, and maybe one day my sparing lifestyle will reward me with a flat ownership, or at least a van, or something I have yet no idea about...

What is freedom of mind?

I am privileged with many freedoms. I can express my opinion, travel, vote, work, be myself. All these rights are to some extent granted to me by external factors, such as my country of birth and economic opportunities. But there is one freedom - Freedom of Mind - that is up to me to either possess or miss. One can be locked into prison for life but still remain her mental composure. Or one can be given all the success and love in the world, and yet still lack presence of mind. If freedom of mind is just a mental state, available for everyone, why is it so hard to acquire? What is it actually?

When I left for travelling, I thought I was reaching a higher state of freedom. I was seemingly immune to the expectations of society, family and myself. I convinced myself I no longer cared about financial security, opinions of others or even a sense of belonging. I often asked myself one honest question: What do you want now to be happy? If it was traveling to a new destination, I did that. If it was staying somewhere, I did that. I learned to follow my instinctive desires, deal with uncertainty and make spontaneous, open-minded decisions. Compared to who I had been before traveling, I was indeed a freer person.

However, no matter what I was doing, I was not really in control of my mind. I was always pondering about the future and possible suffering. I could be at the most beautiful spot, together with people I liked, doing what I wanted, and yet still my thoughts would be racing; What will happen next? Will I lose this all? What if my plans fail? I was not fully enjoying the moment. I could not, and I never will be able to, control the future. Unexpected things - both good and bad - will keep happening without me planning them. The only thing I can control is my mind. I can either stick to living in the present, facing each experience as it comes, or let my mind run over hundreds of future scenarios.

I think deepest suffering does not come from failing to get a dream job or from performing badly in a sport (=climbing) - even though they are also serious issues - but from being abandoned by a loved one. The pain of parting with someone special, be it due to circumstances or lack of feelings, is so strong and sharp I never want to experience it again. In the end I would really want to build a life together with someone I love, but it would require me to accept the risk of suffering again. That is why it might be easier to just enjoy my nice life without daring to even try to get something I really want. But it would not be living with freedom. Instead I would be constrained by my mind.

In my opinion, freedom of mind is being able to have goals and follow dreams without fear of future suffering. Plans may very well change or fail on the way, and one should in any case stay flexible to alternations, but not going for them at all is weakness. Suffering can be an outcome of trying and one must accept it, but not fear it beforehand. It is pointless spending so much precious now-time to worrying about the future, that anyways is uncontrollable and unpredictable.

I want to keep my mind calm, open and focused. I want to stay relaxed and live in the moment. I want to be brave and try my best.