What am I doing in Laos

Sometimes I like reading what I thought about selected topics years ago. Now that I have – so to say – “made it” in the field of international development, meaning that I am working in a developing country on an attractive expat contract (although just for 6 months), I decided to look back to this post I wrote 6 years ago. Then I had just finished my first 2 working years in an iNGO in the Netherlands and wrote about my initial knowledge and impressions about the fascinating but challenging world of development cooperation. I started reading the post with a slight sense of self-embarrassment towards the professionally inexperienced version of myself, but in the end most of the content is not awfully off and what saves the text is admitting how little I knew back then. (But how on earth have I managed to make all those grammar mistakes! To save my ass, if I still remember correctly, I was slightly drunk when writing that post.) 

 I remember at the time of leaving that job in the Netherlands I was contemplating between building a stable, comfortable life in Europe and progressing my career by adventuring in some developing country. I had visited projects in several countries and knew that the realities in the field were far from what was imagined in the head office. It was ten times more motivating meeting beneficiaries where action was taking place than just looking at impact figures in front of a computer. First hand experience of what is going on in the implementation of a project definitely helps to better plan, support and monitor it. I saw the thrill of living in a completely different environment, learning about a new culture by working inside of it, and most importantly the value of gaining field work experience much appreciated in the international development industry. However, back then the desire to find myself a home country and focus on rock climbing was stronger than the pull to field work. Looking back, I am now happy I put the effort of almost 5 years to establish my life in Switzerland, a country I carefully picked out and now happily call the home I belong to. As there is a right time for everything in life, last year I set out to venturing the world of field work. (I wrote more about that decision in a previous post.) First I lived in Albania for a year and when I got offered to continue in Laos for half a year more, I of course accepted the opportunity. Now I have been in Vientiane for 3 months. 

Vientiane night market

I have moved from climate protection to employment support and economic empowerment. I am finally putting my business studies into use and developing entrepreneurship trainings for marginalized youth aspiring to start their own micro-businesses. To be honest, I really like adjusting business planning tools, budget templates and seed money applications to serve the needs of people barely having finished primary school, some of them having difficulties even with reading and basic calculations. But what is greatest is meeting these youngsters at business trainings and pitching events. They have often been neglected big parts of their lives; growing up without caring adults, working in the farm instead of getting education, facing poverty and social discrimination, basically having no one believing in them. For many of them participating in the project is the first time when they think about their future and make life plans. In rural areas of Laos most of them choose to learn basic tailoring, cookery, motorbike repair, mushroom production, barbering and beauty salon services. 

Training of business mentors

For me the most inspiring part of my work has been to witness the participants’ transformation during the 5-day entrepreneurship trainings. Step by step they build their business canvasses, where ideas become concrete plans. But it is not just about learning technical skills, as the curricula includes also self-work on accepting past difficulties, changing limiting beliefs, dreaming about success and celebrating achievements. I have been truly moved by the courage of these youth to share their painful experiences, support each other and trust to go after their goals. Compared to them, I have always been in the privileged position to shape my life as I see fit. However, although my problems are nothing like theirs, I also have inner work to do in order to become a more confident, resourceful person. In the trainings I often jumped into the imagination practices and sharing circles, and I got so much energy from the engaged, motivated youth. If they are able to believe in their dreams and commit to achieving them, so am I! As much as it is my job is to create an enabling program for these youngsters, they keep inspiring me as they learn various entrepreneurship skills (of which many are completely new concepts to them), which they poor into their businesses eyes shining with excitement. Of course, their journey is just beginning, and I cannot wait to visit them when they open their shops and provide their communities with products and services. I just really wish I could understand the Lao language. Although I have colleagues kindly translating for me, I miss out on a lot of information, especially during informal sharing sessions and breaks. 

Young entrepreneurs in business training

Main street in Xayaburi

As much as work is fulfilling, life in Vientiane can be monotonous at times. It is too hot and there is nothing to do. (Heard this complaint before? Yes, in my post about adapting to Albania.) I live in a comfortable serviced apartment (man it is quick getting used to not cleaning yourself), practice yoga with a kind, experienced teacher, and in 3 months I have eaten out more times than I could afford in a lifetime in Switzerland. But there is not much more to do here and I do not know many people to hang out with. I literally aimlessly walk around my neighborhood and browse through supermarkets, just to kill time. I miss hiking in the mountains, meeting friends at the climbing gym, going to art exhibitions, ice skating, just having a selection of free time activities. I have 3 more months to go in Laos and I aim to enjoy every single moment of it, as I know that in the end I will miss this slow, laid back lifestyle. However, knowing that my time here is limited helps with the enjoying, as I might think differently was I to stay for many more years to come. No matter what, I am so thankful for the opportunities I have gotten to work in interesting projects around the world and build my career in international development. So far it has been a great journey and I look forward to seeing where else it takes me, be it at home in Switzerland or again somewhere else abroad…

Albanian Love Bomb

I have now lived in Tirana for 8 months, and I find Albania extremely fascinating. I enjoy learning about its part in the complicated Balkans history, as well as about its rich culture with countless different traditional songs, costumes, heroes, foods and stories. I feel that I have just tipped to understanding the Albanian mentality and how everything functions here, and I hope I will have the chance to experience more. However, I already know that Albanians are friendly, accepting, open, expressive and humorous. They take the time to help others and show that they care. Also adapted foreigners have the habit to act with hospitability and patience, which makes Tirana a pleasant city to live.

A year ago I started self-development on the topic of love. My coach Elisa gave me exercises to uncover traumas, get in touch with emotions and question deep-rooted beliefs. I was so blocked and frustrated that I actually fired her half-way through the program, but to my luck she did not accept the dismissal. She told me that to heal I need to experience a Love Bomb, which will make me open up and feel safe in the presence of love. Back then I narrowly thought that such a love bomb must be romantically falling in love at first sight and living happily ever after, nothing less would do. Puzzled at this chicken-and-egg problem, I asked how could I possibly find someone to love me in order to become receptive of love?

In the summer I moved from Switzerland to Albania. I started experiencing attacks of kindness from people around me. When my new friend gave me a hug (I mean a proper hug, not polite cheek kisses) and said she is so happy for having met me. When my yoga teacher made sure I was not traumatized after awkwardly falling from a headstand attempt. When a disabled begger started a smiley conversation as I gave him some coins. When my over-worked boss gifted me books he had thought I would enjoy reading. When a surgeon whatsapped me on a public holiday to ask how my tiny wound was healing. At first I felt of course happy, but also out-of-place. I would have felt more comfortable, had people treated me with indifference. I had done nothing to deserve such kindness, and I was afraid I would accidentally do something to upset these friendly people.

I remembered what Elisa had earlier pointed out to me: How can one expect to be able to be open for the big love of her live, if she feels scared even with the smallest acts of affection. She had suggested me to get acquainted first with small, safe doses of love. And now these doses were coming! From everywhere! I saw the opportunity to practice with them, and now I am starting to feel more comfortable in their presence. I am even beginning to experiment what happens if I show affection and caring to people around me. I aim not to worry about their reaction, as what matters in the end is my ability to be sincere. Step by step, I am learning to experience love without being too intimitated by it.

I do not know yet whether I will end up staying here for longer or return to Switzerland in 4 months time. Nevertheless, I believe I came to Albania to receive my own personal Love Bomb, or rather a shower of love drops. I cannot really tell what was the cause and what the effect, as both my inner work and the enabling environment definitely played a role in this realization. I know that we North-Europeans are just as feeling as southerners, we just do not show it as easily. That is why I think I needed to come to a more open culture to get a good push towards love, and now that I am on the road I can keep up with it where ever I go. So when I sooner or later move back home, as a souvenir I want to bring some friendly Albanian love.

PS. Coach Elisa, if you read this, thank you! Sometimes in life you first learn just with rational understanding, while the real experimental learning can happen later on, like in my case. Now I actually feel what you meant!

Culture shock, you do not exist

Time has stopped. I feel dull, bored, lazy, unfit. The temperature is almost 40C outside. If I leave my airconditioned apartment, I get hit by a wall of hot still air that covers me in sweat within seconds. I have slept in, meditated and read the news, and now I am selecting a YouTube workout to do on my living room floor. I still have quite many hours to kill before a Facetime chat with my Finnish friends. Sounds like lockdown? Nope, corona is already (more or less) over. This is just my weekend in Tirana, already a fourth in a row without leaving the city.

“Comfort zone is where dreams go to die.”

I had a beautiful life in Switzerland, the country I now call home. Yet still I decided to put everything there on hold to go live a year in Albania, where I had not even visited before. I wanted to utilize a good career opportunity to learn about new topics and field work. And most of all, I wanted to challenge myself in a new environment.

I like Tirana. The city is full of life; there are always people on the streets and something going on. When I walk around there is almost too much to observe. There are run-down buildings, shops, new highrises, construction, urban paintings, traffic, dead-end alleys, restaurants, all surrounded by mountains. Despite the heat life happens outside. People chat in front of their businesses and drink coffee in bars, and when it finally gets dark and cooler, the city's numerous bars fill with beer drinkers.

“If you do not get uncomfortable leaving your comfort zone, then you have never left it.”

But I love to be in the nature. I am happy when I am hiking up a mountain, trying a climbing route or doing anything physically (and often also mentally) challenging in a peaceful place, with a few likeminded friends. Of course I also appreciate city life and never say no to a good drink – especially after training sports. However, if I had to choose just one, it would no doubt be the outdoors!

Albania offers excellent outdoor opportunities, ranging from picturesque beaches to unexplored mountains. In theory I could be going somewhere new every weekend just like in Switzerland, but in reality I am not. After my only outdoorsy friend left, I have no one to go with. Locals and expats alike prefer relaxing in bars to getting exhausted on some hike. Because a car is needed to reach most destinations going alone is rarely an option, as driving a rental car on my own would be both too expensive and dangerous.

“Before anything great is achieved, your comfort zone must be disturbed.”

So just as I wanted, I am challenging myself. I try to stay fit by running loops in the city park and doing yoga. (On a positive note, I have found an excellent yoga school. I am finally learning yoga with good teachers, and I am curious about the journey it will take me on.) I focus on drinking in nice bars, self development, dating and most importantly learning in the job that I came here for!

See how mature and calm I remain in the discomfort. Culture shock is for rookies, not for a seasoned expat like me. This is the sixth foreign country I live in, so I certainly know how to adapt to new cultures and ways of operating. I am strong and independent, I have always made courageous decisions, I remain open to whatever comes along, and living in Albania is a piece of cake for me. I feel even a bit superior to other foreigners, who get stressed about each little difference compared to their own countries.

"There is no shame in missing home. It means you came from a happy place."

I am on a work trip in Laos. I have eaten suspicious mushrooms for lunch, and now I am in bed with a severe food poisoning. I have high fever and feel too sick to even turn around to lay on the other side. I pity myself from the bottom of my heart, yet I know this misery is what I needed. After two months of ignoring my culture shock I needed to hit the bottom, in order to give in to how I really feel.

If I survive alive, I want to return to Switzerland. There people are predictably friendly but at the same time cautious and distant. It takes forever to make friends, but the ones you have stick around. Just like in Finland. There I (kind of; note German vs Swiss German) speak the language, and after years of studying the complicated system can navigate in the jungle of residency rules, tax schemes, pension savings and insurance options. Above all there I have good friends for outdoor sports, and I feel I belong.

"When you unpack your suitcase, you declare your intention to stay. When you unpack your heart, you can start to settle in."

After a 35-hour long journey we finally land in Tirana, and passengers walk outside from the plane to the terminal. It has just rained; the air is welcomingly fresh and it is just below 30C! As we drive into the city I am glad to see the mountains, no matter how unreachable they currently are for me. Tired and sleepy, I enjoy going to the familiar neighborhood supermarket and eating tasty vegetables on my lovely terrace.

Maybe after this year in Albania I return to Switzerland, maybe the upcoming months here reveal something that makes me want to stay for longer. The only thing I know is that now I am more capable to accept the present reality – both the external environment and my inner dialogue - as it is.

View from my terrace

Why I love Switzerland, but yet leave to Albania

It has been a little over two years since my last life-status post, when I was in Morocco without any idea about the future. Then my biggest wish was to settle down in Switzerland like a normal person. Quicker than expected I got exactly what I wanted: I had two job interviews during a gear swap visit in Zürich, got offered both positions, and accepted one at a company I had always found interesting. I moved back and started the new job simultaneously with the beginning of the first corona lockdown. It could not have been better timing! Switzerland was the corona wonderland, where one could earn money sitting at home, while allowed to go anywhere outdoors. I rented a beautiful apartment, hung out with friends within corona limitations, and learned that it is possible to stay fit with just jogging and home workouts.

However, the two long winter lockdowns took their tolls. Each day was the same; wake up, work, lunchtime sport, work, watch TV, sleep, repeat... Days turned into weeks, weeks into months. I had too much time to contemplate my only real failure; not having found a life partner to start a family with. As such it was alright, just lonely and boring apart from weekend outings. I was growing content with the idea that my adventures were over and from now on I would better settle with my comfortable job, mountain sports and annual holidays. Which was fine! I love Switzerland. It is amazing having immediate access to endless climbing and hiking spots, being able to take the train to numerous major cities, and just living in such a prosperous country. I will always be a Finn, but I am proud to be located in Switzerland. Whenever I visit other countries I am happy to return home. Without further explanations, it just feels right to stick to my life here.

Fondue at a mountain hut, how very Swiss!

So, how does the story continue? Me living happily ever after in Switzerland? Nah. Already for a long time I have been interested in creating inclusive business models and sustainable value chains through systemic change in developing countries. I knew I would need field work experience in order to learn about these new themes. There was still a little spark of motivation in me - maybe I could still adventure after all?! - and I half-seriously applied for some jobs abroad. To my surprise I landed a one-year contract among skills development in Albania, with a Swiss iNGO. Although I have a good life in Switzerland and feel extremely nostalgic about leaving, I know taking this opportunity to experience yet something new is the right one.

Next week I move to Tirana, and I feel successful. I have got hardly any money and definitely no social status. Instead I have always had the courage to follow my dreams and learn skills that are important to me. There is no way I would exchange rock climbing, new languages, climate change mitigation, foreign cultures, meditation, sustainable lifestyle and personal growth to something uninspiring and irrelevant, no matter how rich it would make me. I feel almost proud that I have put lots of effort into acquiring skills that bring me no outer recognition, since it means they are truly mine and chosen in chase of happiness. So once again I set out to the unknown – extremely psyched, as always – but this time with the difference of knowing where I want to return to.

Right to travel (by plane)

I have flown a lot, both for fun and work. Although I have seen many airports, sometimes spending countless jetlagged hours browsing the always same chain stores, paying enormously much for a coffee and trying to find armrestless benches for sleeping, there is still certain magic to them. I associate flying with freedom and adventure. So many times I have entered an airplane full with excitement, knowing that in only in some hours I will be among new cultures, experiences, landscapes and people. I have done almost all of my traveling by plane.  

Snow chaos in Istanbul

Sadly flying is highly destructive to the environment. The aviation industry produces around 2% of human-caused greenhouse gas emissions and as the global middle class keeps growing, so does the amount of flying and emissions caused by it. However, although budget airlines are making flying increasingly accessible to people around the world, less than 20% of the world's population has ever taken a single flight. It is impossible for me to count how many flights I have taken during my lifetime, but I estimate around 20 return intercontinental flights and 150 shorter flights. This means that with my privileged lifestyle I am one of the top contributors to aviation caused climate change.

Lovely nap at Washington airport

I calculate carbon footprints for work, so I am well aware of my flights' climate damage. Speaking with statistics, the annual greenhouse gas emissions of an average person living in Switzerland is 14 tCO2e, while the global average is 6 tCO2e and the threshold value of the planetary boundary is just 0.6 tCO2e. One return economy flight Zürich - Bangkok (including a stop-over in Moscow, as I always pick the cheapest tickets) causes 3 tCO2e. Looking at 14 tCO2e for living versus 3 tCO2e for one flight, it is a no brainer that my best change to protect the environment is to stop flying.

But traveling, especially to far away places, is such a thrill! By spending time in totally different countries, like Uganda and China, I have learned and experienced so much. I have seen extreme poverty and corruption, people with fascinating customs, incredible natural beauty as well as trashed places, and I have tasted strange delicious foods, taken part in cultural festivities and most importantly gotten to know great people around the world. Had I not traveled so much, would I be a different person now. I am convinced that because of traveling I am more tolerant towards dissimilarity, more resilient against change and stress and more knowledgeable about each place and situation having its pros and cons. To me, this is valuable.

Engagement party in Uganda

However, if everyone traveled like me, flying would no doubt be the one single disastrous cause of climate change. Besides it would not even be possible to fit enough planes into the airspace. Still I feel that for the sake of equality also others should have the opportunity to benefit from the learning and fun of far-away traveling. I must admit that the first times I saw a slum, visited a local market, drove through insane traffic, tasted a suspicious dish or tried to understand someone with no common language, were the most impressive ones. Then I was full of curiosity and wonder. As I kept traveling more, although I fully embraced each experience, I also grew accustomed to what I saw. The so called learning curve was steeper in the beginning.

Warming up in Tibetan

Since as excessive travel as mine is not only unsustainable but also impossible, I would suggest flight quotas per capita. If everyone (with interest and money) would be allowed to take few flights, learning and experiencing would still take place but in a more controlled scale. Of course I know that implementing a flight quota system would be utopia, and anyways there are much more severe inequalities in the world. However, I have decided I have used up my "personal flight quota". I have had amazing times and it is time for me to slow down. One of my main reasons to settle down in Switzerland is its central location. From here I can conveniently visit many interesting places by train and bus.

You may ask, do I stop flying altogether? The honest answer is no, I do not. But before booking a flight I consider whether it really is necessary. I no longer want to do climbing and sightseeing trips by flying. Taking a flight must have a better reason. I could not bear the idea of never again meeting one of my best friends living in Australia, so one day I will fly there. Also visiting my home country Finland (once a year) counts as acceptable. If I ever end up working in international development again, I consider some field trips worth the caused emissions.

Visiting a biogas project in Kenya

So climate protection does not stop me from flying altogether. What would then? If one flight would cost a million (or even some thousands) I would not buy it. Admitting this might make me a hypocrit; I know the exact climate impact of my flights, yet still I am willing to do it when the reason is important enough. However, I think this compromise is better than nothing. Maybe also other heavy flyers could go through a check-list – What is the added benefit of this trip? Could I substitute it with something else? Is it really important to me? – before flying next time. Maybe airport glory can sometimes be re-lived through memories.

Me and climbing

I did my first outdoor lead climbs almost 6 years ago in Nam Pha Pay Ai, Thailand, at the start of my first travels (read Nam Pha Pay Ai). Since then climbing has more or less been my passion. Climbing is an amazing sport, where one has to be strong both physically and mentally. It requires power, balance, coordination, tactics, focus and determination. It is maybe the world's best feeling to climb confidently; staying fully in the moment, executing precise movement and giving your everything to the route. Not only has climbing made me stronger (before I could not do even one single pull-up), but it has taught me how to overcome fear - face it heads on! - and how to embrace the learning process, taking each lesson as it comes (read Climbing: fear of falling) . Through climbing I have learned so much that is also applicable to other areas of life.

Thailand

Thailand

Climbing has not only been my hobby, but also my main lifestyle. I have traveled around the world to explore different climbing areas, and visited places I otherwise would have never discovered (read Home at Green Climbers, Notes about China, Climbing - what a great excuse, Home sweet home in Berdorf, Disaster climbing trip). Through climbing I have gotten to know people living in alternative ways; priorizing freedom and experiences over stability and wealth. I am pretty convinced that without their example I would not have had the courage to pursue a new, more inspiring career. Almost all my closest friends are from climbing, and being located all over, we meet up regularly in climbing destinations to spend quality time together. Then there is the great climbing community, or at least two climbing communities. The first one is traveling climbers, touring around prime areas, to whom you keep bumping into from one year to another. The second one is the local gym crew, that occupies nearby crags at weekends. Both communities have brought me a sense of belonging over the past years.

China

Philippines

It is hard to imagine my life without climbing. It has been my identity for so long. During unemployment I saved money by being a dirtbag climber (read The sparing lifestyle of a traveler). I quit partying (for most of the time) in order to have productive climbing days. I even picked my country of living because there is lots of climbing around. Of course there are also other important and interesting things, but climbing has been the focus of my free time already for years. I have missed cool art exhibitions and street fests because after work I have gone to the gym to hang from the fingerboard. I have not seen much of the impressive mountains and cute villages of my new home country, because at weekends I have visited my project routes (of which I have not sent any) at the crags.

Switzerland

During my last travels I climbed more consistently than ever and enjoyed it a lot. Then came Corona, locking me home for a few months, unable to train climbing. During that time I started to do other things, like yoga, reading and exploring the neighborhood. Although everything was closed down, somehow I found new interests. Or I finally had time to do things that had already earlier interested me. After gyms opened again and people returned to crags, I kept finding excuses to not to get back into climbing shape just yet. I went outdoor climbing once in a while but climbed badly; I was scared of falling and did not want to do strenuous moves anyways.

Spain

This past weekend I was climbing at my favorite crag with lots of pockets on slightly overhang endurance climbs. I ended up projecting my last year's warm-up. The grade I climb has stopped mattering to me already a long time ago (as I have no talent to be a good climber), but I enjoy the personal progress and accessing new cool routes as I keep improving. However, what hit me the most, was the realization that I had not really had fun climbing since my travels. I had just climbed because I had to. I spent the night on my own at a campsite and thought a lot about climbing; what it means to me right now and what I want to do with it in the near future.

Switzerland

Greece

A part of me totally resisted the idea of admitting that I am not motivated to climb anymore. I pictured myself unfit and fat (not a joke!) and got scared of loosing my friendships. Quitting climbing would definitely distance me from some people, but probably in the end it would be an interesting experiment to find out who I am truly friends with. At the same time another part of me was overly excited about having time for other interests. Already for months I had looked at friends' mountaineering photos and envied them for accessing such stunning, scary and unique places. I also want to explore the mountains; by hiking, learning to ski and taking some easy alpine courses. I thought about attending yoga retreats, studying German grammar (yes, very exciting), going on bike rides, learning photography, dating guys from Tinder, doing voluntary work, visiting museums, attending interesting lectures and what not... Surely just by quitting climbing, whilst working 100% (I am gonna get my 80% contract, but that is another topic), I would not miraculously gain time for all of that. But surely I would have time to pursue at least a few new interesting things.

Greece

In the end I concluded that I need not be over dramatic. I am not going to sell all my gear and announce that I am no climber anymore. Since I have my climbing gym membership I will keep training indoors, as it is an efficient workout and the home gym is dear to me. However, for the time being I will not climb outdoors. I will engage in activities and learn skills that I am more curious about. I feel that climbing has taught me a lot over the years, but from now on additional learning would be marginal. I have more learning potential through other things. And above all, what I do during my free time should be fun at the moment. That being said, no one knows about the future. Maybe already this winter I will be super motivated again and crush some rad climbs. But until then, I am looking forward to something different...

(Oh man, so many climbing photos of me. I feel totally self-centered posting all of them. But in the end, the topic of this post is me and climbing.)

About resistance and acceptance

I sit by the sea, admiring its waves as they hit the rocky ground. My travels are coming to an end, and spending the last days on my own in a small surfing village feels like the right thing to do.

" There is an ebb and flow to life. People and situations wash upon the shores of our lives. The mighty pressures of the water gently sculpt and shape us. The tides of change have great purpose in our lives. When it is time, the waters recede and sometimes carry things away; even things we love. The tides, while powerful, can move in our lives so gently, if we allow. If you resist the awesome tidal forces of life you are going to hurt yourself. There are some things, people and experiences you cannot have or change. When the waters of life move upon you; do not struggle — give-in and let go. Be still and let the waters flow around you. Let the ancient precession of tides cut a beautiful shoreline in your heart. "
~ Bryant McGill

The difference between this trip and my previous ones is that I did not really want to do this one. I would have preferred to stay building my settled life in Switzerland, but unfortunately my only feasible financial option was to relocate when my work contract ended four months ago. So I did what I was already familiar with; I once again became a digital nomading dirtbag climber and headed out to cheap countries. I had nothing against exchanging the gloomy Swiss winter to warm, sunny climates, and I was psyched to climb at some of the world's best venues. But I felt resistant towards continuously changing places and people, and their seemingly purposelessness. I had worked hard to gain professional relevance, learn the language and build friendships in Zürich, in order to make it my home, and I did not want to take a break from it. Anyways, away I went, and (after a short Balkans detour) ended up in Spain and Morocco.

I felt that given all my efforts I was entitled to success (=financial security brought by an inspiring job) and I saw being on the road almost as a failure. I felt irritated when people commented on me being lucky with my travelling lifestyle. I think they only saw the upside of it, the freedom, not the loneliness and doubtfulness brought by uncertainty about near future. I was living off my savings, with no plausible plan for income generation. I tried my best to live in the moment and trust that whatever future brings along is alright, but I still did not completely accept the state of my life. I kept pushing to apply for jobs in Switzerland, with the mindset that only returning to Zürich would be a good outcome. I was fixated on the end result and not fully embracing the journey of trying and learning. Actually I was resistant towards everything not fitting to my plans and pleasings: rainy weather, short encounters with travelers, not projecting hard climbs, carrying heavy backpacks, non-focused meditation sessions... The harder I tried to get exactly what I wanted, the harder I was hitting my head on the wall.

Do not get me wrong, I was not in a crumby mood. I had a ton of fun exploring new climbing areas, partying at random street fests and tapas bars, admiring varying landscapes and trying out local cuisines. I was just a bit sleepless with over-thinking and urgent with decision making. But as the travels kept progressing, I faced valuable experiences: the second best romance of my life, strengthening relationships with visiting old friends, lessons learned through altering group dynamics, and finally, meeting new people and rediscovering the depth even short encounters can deliver. What I had feared I would most lack during traveling - having meaningful people around me - ended up being the highlight of the journey.

" I know you are working hard towards your goals, but do not force them. You get what you get. If you accept each situation as it is, your life is easier. "
~ A fellow traveler (who I knew for 4 days)

As the sun sets and surfers return from the water, I am ready to join them for a dinner and chats. Who knows what will still happen here at the beachfront before I fly to visit Switzerland in a few days time. Even though my travels are ending in the sense that I am returning to a more structured schedule, I am actually still in the same limbo of uncertainty. Apart from spending the next month studying German, I have no plans, and no idea what will happen to me. But I feel more accepting towards what I have; the flexibility of choosing between different options, the freedom to move around and the adventure of unknown. I will keep reaching towards my goals, but hopefully in a more relaxed manner - enjoying the learning, not forcing the outcome.